We at West Coast Sound Laboratories are fascinated by the ATHF crew, so we sat down with Carl, Master Shake, and Meatwad for a sprawling interview about Meatwad's inspirational adages, Master Shake's backstage romances, and Carl's advice for picking up chicks.
[More Aqua Teen Hunger Force Live coverage by Liz Ohanesian at LA Weekly's Style Council blog]
I hear you're bringing your guitar skills to the stage. Who, in your humble opinion, are the greatest guitar players of all time, and why?
Angus Young from AC/DC, even though he dresses like a little boy, and Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin, even though he bows his guitar like "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." That said, I play air guitar, which is slightly different from the real ones. The real ones go out of tune and require sound checks and break strings and whatnot. My instrument is perfect all the time, even when I'm wasted. But it still requires the focus and commitment that only a true professional can provide after 11 brewskis and a shot of Jager. You don't want to look like a dumb-ass and hit a sour note, unless you're looking for a good excuse to yell at a roadie.
What cologne do you wear?
Different situations need different smells on your body. If the stripper is a nurse, something like medical, like rubbing alcohol might be appealing to her. If she's a cowboy, the classic Stetson will do the trick. If she's one of the ones with glasses and the schoolgirl skirt, she's probably smart or something. Appeal to her brain. Go with the sexy and mysterious Speed Stick deodorant. Well, not real Speed Stick. They make a knockoff called "Schpeed Schtick" that's like 40 cents cheaper down in TJ.
What are your feelings about Los Angeles?
I want to be feeling all these fake orange boobs you got bouncing around here. I'm still working on my lines. "Let's be breast friends" and "Can I wrangle them balloons like a circus clown?" are both getting me escorted from buildings by dudes with curly-cords in their ear. What these broads don't get about me is that I want more than just an illicit feel. I want to get to know the broad I'm feeling. I just don't want to hear their un-thought-out, incorrect opinions about things.
When you're in L.A. where do you go to meet the ladies?
I'll tell you where I don't go. Santa Monica Boulevard. I met three different ladies and they all tragically ended up having penises. But that was only after money was exchanged. That was my chagrin.
What would be your perfect L.A. date?
It would go like this: One of the Deal or No Deal briefcase hotties recognizes me from the show, right. I go, "I'm only in town for one night". So we drink until we both go to the hospital. She's totally naked in the hospital bed next to mine. I steal her panties while she's hooked up to an IV and can't chase me. Then she asks me to marry her, so I meet her parents and on bended knee, I say "Hell no. I got what I wanted."
Then on to Minneapolis.You'll be sharing the stage with the Squidbillies. What interactions have you had with them on the tour so far?
The Granny from that show is completely inappropriate and unprofessional. She's got all them arms, it's hard to fend all them off my crotch after a few beers. I get bad depth perception when I drink.
What makes Meatwad who he is today?
Let's see... no exercise, low fiber, high saturated fat diet that tastes good, and lots of unsupervised television watching. I'm trying to make a difference, y'all.
What challenges have you faced living a life with no appendages?
I once felt bad that I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no live stage show that travels the country and pays for all your meals. Life is good, boy. Some days I can eat mashed potatoes and gravy for every meal. EVERY MEAL!
Vegans: Love them or hate them?
What's a Vegan? Is that a Star Trek villain? I hate villains. Why they make TV shows with a villain in it anyway? The best part is when people dancing, and then people vote on the dancing and you don't need a villain for that. That's why I love Star Trek.
Have you ever been a victim of identity theft?
Yes. Someone applied for a Social Security number under MY name, then used my good standing in the community to buy speedboats and commission a giant bronze statue of Master Shake. I'm not worried, Master Shake got my back on this one. He took me out in his new speedboat to look for the nasty guys that did this. We gonna find the real criminals. Shake even working on a book that describes in detail how he would steal my identity if he was going to do it, because he didn't do it. That's how involved in the case he is.
Which anthropomorphized foodstuffs to you look up to?
Thanks to the internet, I know that word means people that look like food. Is Carrot Top a good answer? He looks pretty cool. Butterbean, that boxer? He's got love for the buffet. Cat Power? Sometimes foreign people eat cats, so I'm counting that one. I have multicultural facts in my head you didn't know about, don't I?
If you were a judge on America's Top Meatwad, what qualities would you look for in aspiring meatwads?
Well, first they can't be an American citizen, because I'm not neither. They have to love kitties. Then they have to draw a heart and color it in their favorite color. Once they do that, they win, and all the players share a gigantic banana split. Kinda like Double Dare without the trivia... or the prizes... or the competition... or the budget... And plus, it ain't on TV neither. But otherwise, it's identical.
What has it been like touring with Meatwad?
I love Meatwad, and I've made sure he's had first class accommodations. That's why I keep him in a suitcase while we travel and I whisper to him about the monsters that are surrounding us. I don't want him to get injured rolling around in our luxury tour bus, or getting chopped to bits by our gourmet chef, or bruising his little hands on our Xbox 360. The days of sensory deprivation and fear help keep him humble, and performing at his best.
Your tour is spanning the country. Which cities have had the best groupies?
I don't want to play favorites here. Let's let the remaining cities on the tour slut it out between themselves to see who respects their bodies the least. The winner will receive one apologetic phone call from me, where I will feign sincerity about why I haven't called since we did it and why we didn't use protection.
BONUS: Another group of anthropomorphized foodstuffs (and song by Mastodon!)