Off the Record

Life in Plastic: Barbie-Branded Music Portal Is a Lurker's Dream Come True

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Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 9:12 AM

click to enlarge Everything a budding consumerist needs
  • Everything a budding consumerist needs

It's the tweet that launched a thousand shitty ideas: live from Billboard's Music & Money Symposium this morning @Billboardbiz tweeted/twat/twote: "Mattel's Katrina McMullan: Barbie-branded music portal coming in 2011. Labels clamoring to contribute music."

You were probably too busy getting a set of "double-bubble," quad boobs or questioning your decision to be on a billboard to follow this bizarre revelation, but let's just take a minute and contemplate what a "Barbie-branded music portal" could really be.

Is it better than the Barbie MP3 player or Barbiegirls.com, the "hottest online hangout for girls" and mouth-breathing men who keep dentist chairs in their basements? And what exactly constitutes "clamoring?" Instead of letting journalism take over, or ruminating upon the state of a music industry/society in which any sort of "clamoring" would take place over "Barbie-branded" anything, instead, let our imaginations to the work. So a Barbie portal? What could that mean? What would that look like? Ok, who would make for better branded portals.. Hall and Oates! Fela Kuti! GWAR!

I think I just clamored a little.

Dudebros and homegirls of the music industry, we submit to you, a few suggestions for extreme music-branded portalization:


Premise: Oderus Urungus guides visitors through the Gwar layer and get to spend quality time with digital manifestations of Slymenstra Hymen, Balsac the Jaws of Death, and Jizmak Da Gusha.


Premise: This online portal will allow visitors to interact not only with the Canadian Prog-Rock sensations, but it will offer children of the 70's a digital reconstructions of the psychedelic van that they were conceived in. For an extra charge, visitors can download a digital lock of Alex Lifeson's mullet.

98 Degrees

Premise: We join the world of 98 degrees, not during their heyday in 1997, but today. Using avatars, we get to witness Nick Lachey hiding in the bushes outside Jessica Simpson's house, watch Drew Lachey dance in front of a mirror and cry softly to himself, and help the other guys fill out unemployment forms.

Django Reinhardt

Premise: A jazzy throwback to the greatest internet styles of the 1930's! All keystrokes must be executed using only 8 fingers.

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