Inauguration Day Extravaganza: The First Hip-Hop President?

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Tue, Jan 20, 2009 at 10:00 AM


Image via Hip Hop is Read

Unless you've been living in the Madagascan Rain Forest or are a cave-dwelling ignicolist in Outer Mongolia, you're well aware that today marks the inauguration of Barack Obama. To the delight of the rap world and the chagrin of the social security set, Obama has been billed as the first hip-hop president. With an iPod that includes Jay-Z, Kanye and Ludacris, Obama's light years ahead of his benighted Oval Office predecessors; yet judging from his pragmatic cabinet, it's unlikely that the White House will be a bastion of boom-bap--unless Eric Holder's holding out on us.

In honor of this historic day, it's time to examine what things would look like had the other Clinton seen his dream come true.

Vice-President: Jay-Z


Pros: Has previously bonded with Nicholas Sarkozy over the song, "Big Pimpin." Boasts a close relationship with Rockefeller. If given half a key to flip, may be able to bail out the economy.

Cons: Close ties with elites like Chris Martin and "Angelina Joleezie" may prove anathema to heartland supporters. Popularity ratings never recovered after Kingdom Come. Def Jam gig ended worse than Cheney's.

Secretary of State: Kanye West


Pros: Polled high prior to 808s & Heartbreak. Maintains the ability to cut across racial, cultural, and socio-economic boundaries. His appointment sends a Shinseki-esque rebuke to the parting Bush administration.

Cons: Never graduated college. May cry in the middle of intense diplomatic negotiations. Potentially easily confused and irritated at having to work in a place called Foggy Bottom.

Secretary of the Treasury: Lil Wayne


Pros: Extensive familiarity with cash money.

Understands the nature of the underground economy. Doesn't mind kissing

Babies--a must for any politician.

Cons: Can only count to a milli.

Secretary of Defense: 50 Cent


Pros: Makes Donald Rumsfeld look like Donald Duck. Is

incapable of being killed by conventional weapons. In the perpetual

fight for resources between the DOD and the State Dept., Curtis knows

how to get money.

Cons: 'Roid rage may make him too erratic to conduct proper diplomacy. Will bring Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks--the Rocksteady and Bebop of rap--along for the ride.

Attorney General: Jim Jones


Pros: No one knows more "Kosher Lawyers." Laser focus

on popping champagne allows him to monitor underage drinking. Dipset

Christmas albums reveal him to be a man of family values. Expert at

being a Diplomat.

Cons: Mainstream America still gets him confused with the late, Kool-Aid swilling, cult leader. Freekey!

Secretary of Agriculture: B-Real


Pros: Reputation for green thumb agricultural acumen will endear him to the ever-dwindling population of American farmers.

Cons: May only devote his time and energies to cash crops.

Secretary of Labor: Aesop Rock


Pros: The Eugene Debs of hip-hop has staked his career on thinking about Labor.

Cons: Name recognition confined to liberal arts graduates, dismissive music critics, and blog readers--esentially, the same thing.

Secretary of the Interior: Redman


Pros: No one knows more about trees.

Cons: More into burning trees than conserving them.

Secretary of Transport: Rick Ross


Pros: Has experience at speeding, transporting bricks

and claims to maintain extensive, international connections. Will

hustle every day at the office. Has prior government experience.

Cons: Once claimed a close and personal relationship with Manuel Noriega. Luckily for the vetting process, no one believes him.

Secretary of Education: Lil Boosie


Pros: Little kids can't count to ten, but they can spell Boosie's name. Which is more than you can say about Arne Duncan.

Cons: None.

Secretary of Veteran Affairs: Nas


Pros: No one has shown more concern for washed up vets than Nasir, as evidenced by his "Where Are They Now," 80s and 90s remixes.

Cons: Has a one hot benefits package every ten year average.

Secretary of Homeland Security: M.O.P.


Pros: Are cold as ice, unafraid to ante up, and showed

an early knack for the Internet with the popularity of their website,


Cons: Are probably cons. People may think M.O.P. stands for mop and shit.

Secretary of Energy: Busta Rhymes


Pros: Shows perspicacity in dealing with Middle

Eastern nations and in getting Arab money. Has the ability to throw the

water on any crisis.

Cons: Wears more dresses than any government employee since J. Edgar Hoover.

Secretary of Housing & Urban Development:Young Jeezy


Pros: Best motivational rapper since Tony Robbins.

Cons: Best motivational rapper since Tony Robbins.

Secretary of Health & Human Services: Dr. Dre


Pros: Slightly more trustworthy than Dr. Octagon. Spends most days devoted to physical fitness and the pursuit of handsomeness.

Cons: May have obtained his degree at Compton Upstairs Medical School.

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