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Apocalypse

Can This World Handle Chocolate Chip-Flavored Salad Dressing?

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Wed, May 14, 2014 at 10:16 AM
click to enlarge Saladshots pouches - KICKSTARTER.COM
It looks likely that, no matter how much we might hate the idea, the world is indeed going to get chocolate chip-flavored salad dressing. Also: peanut butter and jelly salad dressing. Mac and cheese salad dressing. These things will probably happen because people are going to give someone money to make these horrible salad dressings, because ... we don't know why. 

An L.A.-based Kickstarter is asking for $25,000 so they can produce a product called Saladshots, which are portable salad dressing pouches. OK, fine. The horrible part comes in terms of the flavors Saladshots is planning. There's ranch and honey mustard, but also a bunch of really disgusting flavors like the ones mentioned above. The crazy news is, at the time of this writing, they're already more than half way to their goal, with 43 days to go.

The magnitude of wrongness here is just staggering. The marketing alone is a showcase of everything wrong with America. Saladshots claims to be aimed at the health-conscious, created by someone who "struggled to eat healthy." Apparently the fix for this is to pour low-fat, gluten-free chocolate flavored goop on your salad. 

They're portable. I mean, most salad dressing is portable - it's not like salad dressing comes in concrete barrels - but this is extra portable. So you can be a dick and take them to restaurants or other people's houses. I might start a Kickstarter for a web series where I go to fancy restaurants and whip out PB&J salad dressing and drizzle it all over my Josiah Citrin-cooked meal. Hilarious. 

It's being pushed as the "first and only kid-friendly line of dressings." Because what we really want to teach our kids, instead of how to enjoy whole foods, is to slather everything with fake sugar agave-sweetened junk-flavored dressing and believe it to be healthful. 

Even the press release makes me want to murder people. Here's the first few lines:

(West Hollywood, CA) - May 14, 2014 - Saladshots (#saladshots), makers of portable, one-of-a-kind natural salad dressings (#saladdressings), today announced the launch of a Kickstarter (#kickstarter) campaign as part of its efforts to transform the salad industry.
#barf #killme #endofdays

You can donate to this horrid, evil plan here. I usually refrain from randomly reminding people that there are children starving in Africa, but this seems like a good place to mention that. 


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