Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends

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Fri, Dec 13, 2013 at 9:00 AM

click to enlarge Put a bird on it! The prettiest, craftiest holiday cake in the world? - DEAN & DELUCA
  • Dean & Deluca
  • Put a bird on it! The prettiest, craftiest holiday cake in the world?
Hipster foodie dickheads need Santa's love, too. Maybe even more so than the rest of us. Turn the page for some gifts your hipster friends will surely love, or at least act overly enthusiastic about in a weirdly fake way.

click to enlarge S. BONAR
  • S. Bonar
5. For the Hipster With a Sweet Tooth

Godiva chocolate dessert truffles in hipster-friendly flavors like red velvet cake, chocolate lava cake, strawberry creme tarte and creme brulee and Treathouse Rice Krispie treats decorated with little gingerbread men, mini M&M's and tiny Oreo cookies, served on a MacKenzie-Childs "Flower Market" rattan tray embellished with pink roses. It's just too twee to tweet!

For every treat they sell, Treathouse donates 10 cents to the Food Bank for New York City. That's something a hipster can feel good about while eating his kosher, gluten-free, retro dessert made with real cane sugar, not corn syrup.

click to enlarge Fried_Chicken.jpg
4. For the Meat-Lover

Sometimes you want to eat meat, and sometimes you just want to smell it. Or smell like it. And what meat scents do hipsters like best? Why, fried chicken and bacon!

"Your home can now smell like fried chicken all the time, without having to actually fry chicken," says Whit Hiler, co-founder of Kentucky for Kentucky, a business that promotes small-batch products from the Bluegrass State. "Thank you sweet baby Jesus. Thank you Kentucky for being the first state to fry chicken." Whit is rambling on about his company's "heavenly" fried chicken-scented candle.

The candles are made by Kathy Werking, who fries chicken in soy wax and adds some "family secrets" to the mix to attain the realistic scent. A mere $22 to "let the fresh, fried sizzle of savory golden goodness drift into your hearts and homes." Just remind your hipster friend not too get too stoned and eat his or her candle.

With the slogan, "for when you sweat like a pig," the porcine-perfumed deodorant stick was created by J&D's Foods in Seattle. It is available for $9.99 on the Power Bacon website (which also hawks Baconnaise, Bacon Salt, bacon popcorn, bacon lip balm and bacon shaving cream, and creeped everyone out when they began selling bacon coffins, too). "Using Power Bacon will probably make everyone drawn to you like you were the most powerful magnet on Earth," according to the website. "And by everyone, we mean friends, acquaintances, beautiful strangers, dogs, bears, swamp alligators, lions and even pigs."

But if you really want to impress your hipster foodie friends and neighbors and the scent of a ham just won't do the trick, gift them the 5J Iberico Ham Canister Gourmet Gift from Dean & Deluca. This is not your average canned ham. If there is no bacon in the house, there is nothing hipsters love so much as insanely expensive charcuterie. Winner of the crystal award for superior taste three years in a row (2009-2011), 5J's has crafted these hams for over 130 years. "With an undeniable unique essence, its vibrant colors of smooth rich burgundy and swirls of white are an art in itself!" the website enthuses. The set comes with a stainless steel ham holder to ensure a firm grip when you slice. A mere $3,500. Order quickly because they are almost sold out. For reals. Unlike lazy hipsters, the 1% get their holiday shopping done early.

click to enlarge owl.jpg
3. For the Animal Lover (Non-Meat-Eating Kind)

For unknown reasons, hipsters love owls. The regal bird is the symbol of the Greek deity Athena, goddess of wisdom and war. That obviously has nothing to do with it. This Funnyside Up silicone egg mold makes your eggs into the shape of an owl with giant orange yolk eyes. For metal hipsters (mipsters?), it also comes in a skull shape. $9.99 from ThinkGeek.

This ocean-inspired bar utensil, cast in tarnished brass, is by Bronx-born artist Perry Gargano. Anthropologie extols its "rough-hewn yet regal finish," "both enchanting and timeless." Bonus: The octopus tentacle ("Pelagic," according to Anthro) corkscrew is marked down to $9.95 from $24.95.

This stainless-steel monkey tea infuser's arms straddle your cup while tea is brewing. His arms and hands move to create a custom fit on your mug. Rest him on the included drip tray when your tea is steeped. Also comes in robot and frog. Amaze! $8.55 on Amazon.

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