8 Things to Eat While Waiting for McDonald's to Launch Its New Mighty Wings | Squid Ink | Los Angeles | Los Angeles News and Events | LA Weekly
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8 Things to Eat While Waiting for McDonald's to Launch Its New Mighty Wings

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Mon, Sep 9, 2013 at 10:00 AM

click to enlarge FlatJacks Chicken Snacks - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • FlatJacks Chicken Snacks

It's rather quiet out there.

The entire fast food media (which is a thing that we pretend exists so that our parents will think we have real jobs) is holding its collective breath in anticipation of the launch of McDonald's new Mighty Wings, a breaded, bone-in spicy chicken wing that takes our country's current favorite way to eat birds and frees it from the constraints of civil, planned mealtimes.

While we wait hungrily for the Sept. 13 launch date to arrive, here are the other horribly reckless treatments of the noble chicken that we'll be eating in the meantime.

click to enlarge Totino's "Buffalo Style" Chicken Rolls - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • Totino's "Buffalo Style" Chicken Rolls

Totino's BOLD! Buffalo Style Chicken Rolls

If you eat frozen Totino's pizza rolls of any variety after the age of 20, it's time for a serious re-evaluation of whether your life is on track. Having a bag of these in the freezer is only acceptable if you have hopelessly cranky children who won't eat anything else, and the remaining alternative is letting Child Protective Services take them away from you.

click to enlarge TGI Friday's Popcorn Chicken "Buffalo Style" - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • TGI Friday's Popcorn Chicken "Buffalo Style"

TGI Fridays' Buffalo Style Popcorn Chicken Buffalo

The existence of these TGI Fridays frozen appetizers is a bit of a mystery, mostly because every visit we have ever made to the chain has ended with "contracting a sore throat" and "blacking out at a stranger's apartment." It's hard to imagine anyone having the urge to re-create the magic of this particular dining experience at home.

click to enlarge Burger King Buffalo Chicken Strips - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • Burger King Buffalo Chicken Strips

Burger King Buffalo Chicken Strips

This new limited-time offering from Burger King marks the first time we can remember flipping open the lid of a fast food container and saying, "Oh, they're served wet. Well, that's a relief." Instead of packing the flavor into the breading, these crunchy chicken strips are actually bathed in a reasonably spicy Buffalo wing sauce with lots of kick from the vinegar. They're exactly like the kind of boneless Buffalo wings you would get in a restaurant, if you ate in the sorts of restaurants that served boneless Buffalo wings. And if that's the case, stop it.

click to enlarge FlatJacks Chicken Snacks - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • FlatJacks Chicken Snacks

FlatJacks Chicken Snacks

FlatJacks Chicken Snacks are thin, "fully cooked chicken breast cutlet patty fritters with rib meat chopped and formed," which come from Canada and which you can cook in your toaster. Following the package's urging to "toast on highest setting for two cycles or until desired level of crispness," our FlatJacks were indeed ready in just a few minutes, with no dirty dishes (though, the package helpfully notes, some "risk of smoke or fire").

click to enlarge Banquet Frozen Chicken Strip Dinner - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • Banquet Frozen Chicken Strip Dinner

Banquet Frozen Chicken Strip Dinner

Because there's nothing more well-suited to accompany a few frozen chicken strips than "gluey macaroni and cheese that doesn't taste like anything" served with a side of "burnt brownie that will obliterate your mouth with its uncooked liquid center." Actually, don't eat these. You should want to spend more than $1 on a meal, frozen or otherwise.

click to enlarge FLICKR/THEIMPULSIVEBUY

El Monterey Shell Shockers Nacho Cheese Chicken Taquitos

These actually make a ton of sense, since there's probably a lot of overlap between the "people who want their pretend Mexican food flavor-blasted with synthetic spicy orange cheese powder" and the "people who have suspended driver's licenses and thus can't get themselves to a Taco Bell" demographics.

click to enlarge KFC Hot Shot Bites - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • KFC Hot Shot Bites

KFC Hot Shot Bites

We were surprised by just how tasty these breaded nuggets were, offering a texture that at least suggests a relation to actual chickens, followed by the kind of startling, spicy heat that can only be quelled by the accompanying Styrofoam container of oddly vanilla-flavored whipped mashed potatoes. Chase it with the biggest plastic cup of Mountain Dew the chain sells and you'll feel exactly like you're 13 years old.

click to enlarge Jack Link's Buffalo Chicken Big Dippers - MALCOLM BEDELL
  • Malcolm Bedell
  • Jack Link's Buffalo Chicken Big Dippers

Jack Link's Buffalo-Style Chicken Big Dippers

If you've ever had your day ruined with the thought that Buffalo chicken wing jerky isn't a thing, there's good news waiting for you at the nearest Walmart. There, near the checkout, you'll find six sad strips of dehydrated chicken, glazed in a very faint moisture that coats your fingers and gives off the distinct smell of sausage casing and artificial butter flavoring. Dip them first in the accompanying packages of buffalo wing sauce, followed by the ranch sauce, followed by the pooling well of your own despair.

These eight take-home monstrosities won't fill the void in your arteries that waits for McDonald's new Mighty Wings, but they're a start. And once the apocalypse Sept. 13 arrives, all will be right in the world -- and your bellies.

See also:

- The Marketing of Fast Food vs. the Reality: 5 Sad Before-and-After Pics


Malcolm Bedell blogs at From Away. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Want more Squid Ink? Follow us on Twitter or like us on Facebook.

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