5. Twitter. So dumb, but kind of necessary. Have a new menu item? Post some indecipherable hash-code-laden Internet babble. New hours? Post some indecipherable hash-code-laden Internet babble. New chef? You get the idea. People will retweet your tweet and add more hash-tags. You may even "trend."
4. Fake Yelp Testimonials. Sometimes you get on Yelp to figure out which kabob place within three miles of the Nuart Theater won't serve you gray lumps on a stick and you read things that make you laugh until your face hurts. Amid classic Yelp nonsense ("Well . . . the falafel was crispy and the salad was fresh and the hot sauce was TOO DIE FOR but . . . the girl at the counter didn't smile . . . Seriously? WTF. One star.") and a multitude of mediocre reviews, you see an assortment of extremely laudatory, serious, and similarly worded posts claiming that said kabob place is the best eatery on the entire planet:
I have never written a Yelp review until now. I always thought it wasn't for me. All that changed when I took a bite of the chicken shawarma at this charming place on Santa Monica. The portions were huge, the service was exemplary, and I've never had a better dining experience ever. Please come here and support one of the neighborhood's most valued small business institutions.
Reviews like this are written by restaurant owners and their spouses. Write a bunch for your restaurant and the goofballs who rely solely on Yelp to dictate their eating habits will be at the mercy of your iffy kabobs.
3. Samples. People like freebies. You've been there, if only on the other side of the equation. Someone holds a tray of delicious grass-fed beef sliders at an event or something. "For me?" you ask, breathlessly taking one and eating it and reaching for another. "Yes," the sample dispenser says perkily, "these sliders are on the super-fun bar bites section of the brand-new menu at the brand-new hip sports bar tapas taverna lounge opening on the corner of . . ." And you never hear her finish because you're already staggering away like a jerk, looking for the next sample. You have to talk fast when you're giving out samples.
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