Every year, it seems, Butterball does more than produce turkeys. The company also mans the Turkey Talk-Line, a hotline for those with holiday turkey issues. Reuters, bless them, recently ran a story called "Are you smarter than your turkey?" -- in which they called up the hotline to learn some of the more ludicrous questions posed.
The Turkey Talk-Line has been open for 29 years and responds to over 100,000 questions each November and December, so they've had a lot of experience answering questions. You may indeed be smarter than your turkey, but how much smarter is apparently up for grabs. Since many of us roast turkeys over the Christmas holiday as well as Thanksgiving, it's something to keep in mind.
So, via the UK-based news service ("remember, these are from regular people, who can vote and own firearms and sing at karaoke bars, just like you and me"), we have some actual questions fielded during past Thanksgivings:
Is it okay to thaw my turkey in the bathtub while bathing my kids?
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?
Can I use my oven's self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?
If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw will the oil affect the taste?
Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw it faster?
Of course, you'll have to call up Butterball yourself to find the answers. Unless you know a Reuters journalist. Maybe packing a turkey and a chainsaw.