LA Weekly

It’s a hot, dry, loveless summer for those of us on relationship hiatus, and the neighborhood Tom tends toward the timid. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. His gentle, disinterested kitten licks don’t actually get you where you need to go; they taunt, they tease and, ultimately, they torment. His stubby, talentless tail couldn’t possibly sate you, and after 10 seconds of inchoate thrusting he coughs up a sad, stringy hairball, leaving you hanging — frisky, sticky and unfed.

Worry not, pussies: Babeland’s got your back. All the way.

A comfortable place for women to shop for sex toys and tools, Babeland is a welcome addition to an otherwise watered-down Melrose Avenue. The women who work there are friendly and approachable and go out of their way to be helpful for customers looking for new ways to explore their sexuality.

The store is bright and masterfully merchandized, giving the curious customer space to explore, literally and figuratively. It has an eclectic selection of vibrators in various sizes, shapes and colors — big, small, oscillating, rotating, pulsating — from the fast-paced jitter to the slow, steady thump. Curved tips for G-spot stimulation, rabbits for multiple-choicemasturbation, bullet-sized gizmos for anal penetration, whips and collars for kinky titillation, fake flaccid dicks for lazy-guy simulation — yeah, these confuse me, too, but that’s beside the point. A luscious assortment of lubes, lickable hot waxes and many kinds of condoms — including spiky finger wraps and ribbed penis caps — is lovingly displayed, as well as cones and butt plugs and weights for your daily Kegel-strengthening regimen.

Babeland also stimulates your mind with a well-stocked selection of reading materials — books and magazines, in both English and Spanish — and a film section categorized into small, user-friendly sections, including “All Sex, No Plot” and “Oprah Recommended.”

You can audit some of Babeland University’s classes, including a course on fellatio techniques, an anal-penetration series and even a “Craftnight,” at which Babeland academics BeDazzle their own handcuffs (cuffs and rhinestones provided).

Don’t underestimate the importance of proper accessorizing while meeting The Rapture, even while in the throes of your own.


7007 Melrose Ave., L.A., (323) 634-9480. www.babeland.com