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Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now

Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now
flickr user mixedsoup

Full disclosure: We are not inherent vodka fans, though we have been swayed by the occasional lilting cocktail based on Hangar One's Buddha's Hand vodka. But we'll get straight to the sour apple martini point: Our Top Five Don't Drink These Now Vodkas.

Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now

5. Bakon Vodka

Much as we love the Idaho terroir of the Russet potato-based Bakon Vodka, we prefer our bacon in chewable, fat-laden form. Still, the savory side to this flavored vodka does have its cocktail mixing merits, so if bacon-flavored vodka miraculously replaces the now ubiquitous bacon garnish spear atop every Bloody Mary in town, we'll consider it a small brunch victory.

Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now

4. Belvedere Bloody Mary Vodka

Speaking of Bloody Marys, the Belvedere Bloody Mary Vodka website proclaims that "seven essential Bloody Mary ingredients" such as tomatoes, horseradish, peppers and lemon flavors have been infused in this vodka so you can drink your Bloody Mary straight up, no tomato juice required. Call us crazy, but at 10 a.m., sticking to that 75% tomato juice concoction sounds like a much wiser, and tastier, idea.

Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now

3. Smirnoff Green Apple Vodka

Ah, the neon-green sour apple martini. A cocktail we keep thinking surely must have long since disappeared from those 1990s-era chain restaurant menus, until we wind up at an Outback Steakhouse in the middle of a cross-country road trip (yeah, don't ask). The sour apple martini rage has hardly soured, so we will do our part by pouring anything down the drain that furthers the proliferation of neon green, such as Smirnoff's Green Apple vodka. (Yes, it appears Outback really does use this Smirnoff vodka in its version).

Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now

2. Seagram's Peach Tea Flavored Vodka

We've been known to enjoy a pitcher or two of sweet tea in the summer, but they lost us at this reality show-worthy promo line: "Pucker up for this sweet Southern flirt... Seagram's Peach Tea is more than just another hot package." We're secretly curious what the Northern flirt version of flavored vodka might involve. Snooki?

Top Five Worst Vodkas: Don't Drink These Now

1. Cupcake Frosting Vodka

What's the difference between vanilla vodka and frosting-flavored vodka? According to Cupcake Vodka's website, "Frosting is different than just vanilla. There are a lot of different kinds of vanilla and it's a matter of layering those flavors on top of each other to get the sense, almost a tactile feeling, that there is frosting in front of you." Funny, we didn't realize we wanted frosting in our cocktail glass, tactile or otherwise. Ever.