Top 10 Aphrodisiac Foods for Valentine's Day

10. Oysters. Briny, slippery; ruffly frills that quiver when you flick your tongue across them . . . yes, oysters are an excellent source of zinc.

9. Corn dogs. Turgid, spurting, fleshy missiles prepared by nubile high school students wearing enormous phallic toques, corn dogs are packed chock-full of B vitamins.

Arturo's puffy taco

Anne FishbeinArturo's puffy taco

8. Puffy tacos. Steaming, swollen-lipped constructions popularly imagined with juicy, bright-red tomatoes popping to attention from the top of their sweetening clefts, puffy tacos is garnished with lettuce, and thus (wink, wink) rich in vitamin A.

7. Bananas. Long, thick, gracefully tapered, rigid yet collapsing into sweet softness when thrust into prolonged, steamy heat, a ripe banana practically spurts (we blush) with chelating minerals.

fresh figs

Flickr/Xeronesfresh figs

6. Figs. Lush and sweet, pulsating with juice, splayed open to reveal their sugary crimson core - if Eve's leaf should happened to have slipped, maybe accidentally on purpose, it would have revealed the boiling primal core of her late-night vitamin C fixation.

giant asparagus

Flickr/megnutgiant asparagus

5. Asparagus. It is a terrific source of folic acid, which . . . mmmmm, folic acid. And the thick, pale stalks of imported white asparagus look like vegetables capable of producing their own hollandaise, if you know what I mean. On the other hand, it also makes your underside smell funny. Your call.

4. Chocolate. As is well-known, studies have shown that chocolate is just dripping with phenylethylamine, which releases of dopamine, which encourages the release of oxytocin, which triggers happy contractions, orgasm and, oddly enough, cuddling. But more important, dopamine is known to make small rodents fall in love. So the next time a vole catches your eye, you'll know exactly what to feed her.

3. Deer penis wine. You drink it for the taste, silly. The erotic taste of antioxidants.

uni at Kiyokawa

Anne Fishbeinuni at Kiyokawa

2. Uni. Trembling, musky lobes mined from deep inside the hermaphroditic sea urchin, cushioned and pebbly to the tip tongue, a secret, intoxicating scent not soon forgotten . . . and most of all, an invigorating source of iodine. Mmmm, iodine.

1. Fugu liver. Because if you don't die, you're getting it on for sure. How boy.