Sometimes, we like to test the Internet. We so thoroughly enjoyed the video of a metal-themed cooking show a friend posted on Facebook yesterday that we wondered if it didn't epitomize a larger trend. We took a two-minute jaunt through YouTube and humanity's e-presence came through loudly, hungrily, and darkly. We should have known. Metal is, after all, typically intricate and difficult to play; it requires precision, much like baking, frying, or sushi-slicing. If you'd like to stomp, grunt, hiss, and screech your way through the black fruits of our search--five of our favorite metal-themed cooking show videos--read on:
5. Cooking For Metalheads: Davie Malson, the jolly German hesher behind Cooking For Metalheads, probably drew valkyries on his folders in high school. "There's only one thing that you can cook for a metalhead, and that's meat--raw goddamned meat," he bellows unconvincely. "Put some of this shit into this shit so we can fucking eat it alright?" Malson stops massaging his ground beef to drink a beer, which he does very deliberately, like a 9th grader.
4. Bhayanak Maut:Vinay, Rahul, Vinit, Venky and Aditya play in the Indian thrash band Bhayanak Maut. Here they gather in a kitchen before a camera to share a recipe. "We must not forget a little bit of sweetness in the blood," one of the guys murmurs calmly, sprinkling sugar over a plate of what looks like blood, which made us think queasily of the end of Dusan Makavejev's great, grotesque Sweet Movie.
3. Vegan Black Metal Chef: Of course, not all metalhead chefs traffic in flesh. Vegan Black Metal Chef's first episode yields a slick, shuddering mess of pad thai, as the ghoulish host gasps his instructions over churning riffs and neatly slices tofu with a wicked horned dagger. "Stir, you fool," he wheezes, as the music builds in intensity, the pace of his preparation becomes more frantic, and helpful subtitles flash across the screen.
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2. Heavy Metal Vegan Cooking: This one features an earnest, unpainted, fuzzy-faced man with swooping bangs making some seitan, a foodstuff with a face for radio. On the plus side, Satan himself actually drops by towards the end of the video to kick back with the host.
1. Kragoth the Barbarian: Our absolute favorite hinges on the deadpan banter of Kragoth the Barbarian, a slight, heavily made-up British guy who, in voice, spirit, and countenance, appears about as barbaric as Dick from High Fidelity. He whips up a "pasta baked feta thing" with tomato sauce and peppers. As he begins cooking, he washes his hands ("Normally I suggest virgin blood") and appraises his ingredients ("I like feta because it's made from a goat which makes it more grim and metal"). Taking a knife to the cheese, he adds: "Cut it up like it was an emo kid's face."