Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends

Put a bird on it! The prettiest, craftiest holiday cake in the world?
Put a bird on it! The prettiest, craftiest holiday cake in the world?

Hipster foodie dickheads need Santa's love, too. Maybe even more so than the rest of us. Turn the page for some gifts your hipster friends will surely love, or at least act overly enthusiastic about in a weirdly fake way.

Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends
S. Bonar

5. For the Hipster With a Sweet Tooth

Godiva chocolate dessert truffles in hipster-friendly flavors like red velvet cake, chocolate lava cake, strawberry creme tarte and creme brulee and Treathouse Rice Krispie treats decorated with little gingerbread men, mini M&M's and tiny Oreo cookies, served on a MacKenzie-Childs "Flower Market" rattan tray embellished with pink roses. It's just too twee to tweet!

For every treat they sell, Treathouse donates 10 cents to the Food Bank for New York City. That's something a hipster can feel good about while eating his kosher, gluten-free, retro dessert made with real cane sugar, not corn syrup.

Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends

4. For the Meat-Lover

Sometimes you want to eat meat, and sometimes you just want to smell it. Or smell like it. And what meat scents do hipsters like best? Why, fried chicken and bacon!

"Your home can now smell like fried chicken all the time, without having to actually fry chicken," says Whit Hiler, co-founder of Kentucky for Kentucky, a business that promotes small-batch products from the Bluegrass State. "Thank you sweet baby Jesus. Thank you Kentucky for being the first state to fry chicken." Whit is rambling on about his company's "heavenly" fried chicken-scented candle.

The candles are made by Kathy Werking, who fries chicken in soy wax and adds some "family secrets" to the mix to attain the realistic scent. A mere $22 to "let the fresh, fried sizzle of savory golden goodness drift into your hearts and homes." Just remind your hipster friend not too get too stoned and eat his or her candle.

With the slogan, "for when you sweat like a pig," the porcine-perfumed deodorant stick was created by J&D's Foods in Seattle. It is available for $9.99 on the Power Bacon website (which also hawks Baconnaise, Bacon Salt, bacon popcorn, bacon lip balm and bacon shaving cream, and creeped everyone out when they began selling bacon coffins, too). "Using Power Bacon will probably make everyone drawn to you like you were the most powerful magnet on Earth," according to the website. "And by everyone, we mean friends, acquaintances, beautiful strangers, dogs, bears, swamp alligators, lions and even pigs."

But if you really want to impress your hipster foodie friends and neighbors and the scent of a ham just won't do the trick, gift them the 5J Iberico Ham Canister Gourmet Gift from Dean & Deluca. This is not your average canned ham. If there is no bacon in the house, there is nothing hipsters love so much as insanely expensive charcuterie. Winner of the crystal award for superior taste three years in a row (2009-2011), 5J's has crafted these hams for over 130 years. "With an undeniable unique essence, its vibrant colors of smooth rich burgundy and swirls of white are an art in itself!" the website enthuses. The set comes with a stainless steel ham holder to ensure a firm grip when you slice. A mere $3,500. Order quickly because they are almost sold out. For reals. Unlike lazy hipsters, the 1% get their holiday shopping done early.

Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends

3. For the Animal Lover (Non-Meat-Eating Kind)

For unknown reasons, hipsters love owls. The regal bird is the symbol of the Greek deity Athena, goddess of wisdom and war. That obviously has nothing to do with it. This Funnyside Up silicone egg mold makes your eggs into the shape of an owl with giant orange yolk eyes. For metal hipsters (mipsters?), it also comes in a skull shape. $9.99 from ThinkGeek.

This ocean-inspired bar utensil, cast in tarnished brass, is by Bronx-born artist Perry Gargano. Anthropologie extols its "rough-hewn yet regal finish," "both enchanting and timeless." Bonus: The octopus tentacle ("Pelagic," according to Anthro) corkscrew is marked down to $9.95 from $24.95.

This stainless-steel monkey tea infuser's arms straddle your cup while tea is brewing. His arms and hands move to create a custom fit on your mug. Rest him on the included drip tray when your tea is steeped. Also comes in robot and frog. Amaze! $8.55 on Amazon.


Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends
S. Bonar

2. For the Beauty Product Buff

Hipster ladies love organic beauty products, and when you add food into the mix, they are in hipster heaven. They're almost as happy as if they found an unreleased Stevie Nicks solo album on vinyl. Plus, they're clean for a change.

Vancouver-based LUSH is all over this. Their Christmas Pudding encases a Pud bath bomb, a Mr. Punch soap (smells of gin- and fruit-based holiday punch), a Bombardino bath bomb (inspired by the lemon- and vanilla-infused apres-ski drink), honey-scented Gold FUN (bubble bath, soap and shampoo in one) and a Cinders bath bomb (redolent of almond, sweet orange and cinnamon, with a touch of "popping candy") in a colorful kerchief that makes great hipster headgear. Also tucked inside is a recipe for a vegan Traditional British Christmas Pudding. Also check out their Buche de Noel facial cleanser, modeled after the classic French yule log cake -- it contains ground almonds, fresh satsumas, dried cranberries and brandy. Their Snowcake soap smells exactly like marzipan -- but again, remind your hipster friend, it is not edible.

Holiday Gifts for All Your Hipster Foodie Dickhead Friends
ThinkGeek, Anthropologie

1. And Finally, Random Weird Stuff Hipsters Will Love

A ginormous shiny black poodle cookie jar evokes that mystery decade hipsters love -- let's call it the seveighties. This monstrous, shiny canine looks positively toxic, but luckily lead has been banned from ceramics for decades. With its colorful flowers on its head and its protruding red tongue, one might think that this cookie jar is the epitome of tackiness. But it's from Anthropologie, so it's expensive ($78) ironic tackiness, people! Which makes it, in fact, totes adorbs!

Hipsters love zombies because they both used to resemble actual living human beings and now live a fake quasi-human, quasi-conscious existence. Plus they eat whatever they can find and seem to be wearing the same clothes every time you see them. Add chocolate and Santa, and bam! $12.99 for a solid dark-chocolate Zombie Santa from ThinkGeek.

Twelve super-hot, individually wrapped, roostery Sriracha candy canes will spice up any hot sauce-panicked hipster's holidays. They do contain real Sriracha. Remember, Santa comes down the chimney, so he likes it hot! From the guys who brought you bacon deodorant, ironically. On sale for $3.19 at ThinkGeek. Toss some in your poodle cookie jar and there's your holiday centerpiece!

Why? Because dumb.

Want more Squid Ink? Follow us on Twitter or like us on Facebook, and follow Samantha Bonar at @samanthabonar.

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