Greatest Craigslist Ad Ever: Are You a Chef AND a Unicorn? Here's the Job for You!!

a probably non-magical apple pie
a probably non-magical apple pie

In what may be the greatest help wanted ad of all time, a group from Scotland advertises on Craigslist for an executive chef. But not just any chef. Here's just a taste, from the amazing 1,500-word fantasy novel-cum-help wanted ad:

Can you make boneless chicken crispers that are so firm, juicy, and succulent that when they are consumed they reaffirm a person's belief in a higher power? Do your fried mozzarella cheese sticks stretch on for days and days and when blended with their marinara counterpart, create an esculent symphony of flavor?... Does the way that you season your mouthwatering French Fries create a perfect bond of union with your gourmet cheeseburger forming a mouthful of matrimonial bliss? Does the way that you make an apple pie transport a person back in time to their grandmother's kitchen? Can you make an omelet so tasty and fluffy that it makes the person eating it feel as though she is enjoying a heavenly cloud of sumptuousness?

HOLY CRAP!!! If you can do all those things, what the hell are you doing looking for a job? Why aren't you riding towards Valhalla, chef's knife brandished, ready to take on the Vikings in the sky with your glorious chicken crispers!?!?

The job is to open an American-style joint in Scotland. And who wouldn't want to work for these poetic Scotsmen? As said Scotsman (or woman?) says, "In the opinion of this writer it looks as though the Creator Himself painted the pastures with a green paintbrush."

The ad ends:

Maya Angelou said that the free bird leaps on the back of the wind. And floats downstream 'til the current ends. And dips his wings in the orange sun rays. . .and dares to claim the sky.If you think you have what it takes to claim the sky then we really look forward to flying with you.

Fly, cheffies, fly!!!!

Follow Besha on Twitter. Want more Squid Ink? Follow us on Twitter or like us on Facebook.


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >