Don't Buy This: Egg Beaters

It all started, perhaps, with the egg white omelet. People wanted less cholesterol and more protein, which in itself, is not an altogether terrible thing. The balance between health and flavor is a delicate one, and a daily concern even to those of us who lust for decadence. But when the quest for health becomes a fear of obesity, and that fear combines with laziness, that's when we get products like Egg Beaters.

Egg Beaters are incredibly off-putting for a number of reasons. First, even if someone took the finest organic, farmer's market eggs, cracked them, beat them, then put them in a carton and shipped them to a supermarket, it would be a fairly questionable concept. But when you take eggs, remove some or all of the yolk (depending on your preferred Egg Beaters product), then put in such additives as a thickening agent, your are getting even further away from something resembling food. It has become an egg product, not an egg. Or to make it sound even more disgusting, we can quote Egg Beaters directly and call it "a nutritious alternative to shell eggs," as if those in a shell were the problem.

An egg is and should be a beautiful thing, yet when it is replaced with Egg Beaters we are losing everything that makes an egg so great. A scrambled egg, many say, is the lowest form an egg can take. Egg Beaters are even lower, making scrambles worse and removing even the option of something better. It is, in the end, bringing us closer and closer to a dystopian future where people live on packaged government food supplements -- a gray-brown nutrition bar without flavor, history or character.

Lastly, go ahead and cook. It's good for you and the world. Is your day really ruined because you had to crack the egg yourself rather than just pour the contents of some carton straight into the pan? If you have trouble separating the yolks yourself, spend a dollar on some cheap eggs and practice a couple of times. We, unlike Egg Beaters, believe in the abilities of humans to perform basic tasks. You'll have it down in no time, we promise.


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