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50 Things We Learned From the 2013 Year in Movies

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Wed, Jan 15, 2014 at 1:58 PM


click to enlarge One of the best performances of the year was from the tiny lifeboat in Captain Phillips.
  • One of the best performances of the year was from the tiny lifeboat in Captain Phillips.

On  Thursday, this year's Oscar nominations will be announced, also known as national Gah! What Were Those Idiot Voters Thinking Day. We can't wait, so in the meantime, we give you this:

1. Marvel Films has become Taco Bell, with plenty of sour creamy, cheesy wrap-up menu items scheduled through 2021.

2. In 2021, Marvel Films will begin Phase 3, in which they ask the actors in The Avengers to change their name to their respective characters and begin a reality show called The Real Avengers.

3. Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost continue to be the one of the most refreshing filmmaking teams in modern cinema.

4. Practical effects = vinyl albums.

5. Zack Snyder made a movie once that looked neat, SO NOW HE'LL MAKE ALL THE FILMS BASED ON THE COOL THING YOU LOVED ONCE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence will be on some ballots for the next presidential election.

7. When all else fails, destroy New York City into shards of overblown CGI.

8. When all else fails, destroy the Golden Gate Bridge into shards of international orange.

9. When all else fails, Leonardo Di Caprio.

10. Several people who live with us on Earth saw to it that a sequel to The Smurfs was produced and released. Note: The tagline for the film was "Nice gets naughty."

11. We can't have a movie about outer space without real astronauts debunking it.

12. Everyone still hates Tom Cruise.

13. Elysium wasn't a film, actually. It was an hour-and-a-half, one-time recording of the actual future.

14. No one is working very hard to forget about the Jack and the Bean Stalk movie, Jack the Giant Slayer.

15. Sea World is hell.
best-movies-netflix.9433164.87.jpg
Upstream Color is streaming on Netflix. FYI.

16. James Wan, director of Insidious and The Conjuring, is really, really good at making pee-pants scary horror films.

17. Jake Gyllenhall wasn't given and probably won't get enough credit for his unbelievably fiery performances in Prisoners and End of Watch.

18. Man, the Coen Brothers truly hate all people.

19. You weren't alone if you did the eye-roll during the trailer for Runner, Runner, the one about online gambling with Justin Timberlake.

20. Benedict Cumberbatch is a dragon now - forever, OK?

21. Martin Scorcese isn't fucking around.

22. Adam Sandler is totally fucking around.

23. M. Night Shyamalan officially became the Willy Loman of Hollywood filmmaking.

24. For horror, creepy omniscient children are out. Hardcore, furniture-hopping possession is in.

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