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10 Things to Do in L.A. on Your Last Day on Earth

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Thu, Dec 20, 2012 at 6:00 AM

click to enlarge apocalypse05.jpg
See also:

*10 Tips for Surviving the Apocalypse

*10 Bars Most Likely to Get You Laid in L.A.

We're sure you've heard, on December 21, 2012 -- merely a day from now -- we're all fucked.

According to the latest scientifically astroreligious analysis, the gates of Xibalba, the Mayan Underworld, will open to unleash upon the earth beasts and plagues of unfathomable cruelty and unimaginable horror for, y'know, cleansing purposes (consider it a once-every-5,000-years-earth-douching). No one's entirely sure what types of terrors will be released -- perhaps some bees and locusts, hordes of rabid kittens...a little fire maybe? Definitely some Mayan Death Lords.

Given the odds, you're not gonna make it to the next cycle, it's time to get your affairs in order, get a little crazy and, of course, get intimate. Don't panic, we live in the Greatest City on Earth, and you've got options, so get out there and make it happen. To help you along, we've come up with a quick open-ended guide to spending your final day in the City of Angels before it becomes the last bastion of soul-consuming death minions.

click to enlarge Seriously, this will be you trying to get on the 101. That fiery demon thing shall totally pass.
  • Seriously, this will be you trying to get on the 101. That fiery demon thing shall totally pass.
10. Get tacos / bacon-wrapped hotdogs

Unlike the last ten EDM rave-things you've gone to, you're not going to be able to get tacos or bacon-wrapped dogs after this is all over...so load up before you go gallivanting. Seriously, grab a bunch, and it might even be a good idea to start the night before. The corner of Sunset Blvd. and Echo Park Ave. has some pretty spectacular bacon dog vendors. Load 'em up, there are no consequences today. As for tacos, eastsiders have got options a-plenty. Westsiders, you guys do know what a taco is, right?

click to enlarge These are tacos. - B. MESIROW
  • B. Mesirow
  • These are tacos.
9. Get cultural

It'd be a good idea to admire humankind's capacity for beauty before you descend into full-blown depravity. LACMA, MOCA, the Getty -- those are some good art-having places. There are also dozens of smaller galleries and a myriad of lesser-known options for cultural exaltation. We suggest you start at the Museum of Jurassic Technology, maybe hit up the Pacific Design Center, and wind your way up to the Huntington. Sigh, we had a good run, didn't we?

click to enlarge Stomp away. - FLICKR COMMONS / MYTHWHISPER
  • Flickr commons / mythwhisper
  • Stomp away.
8. Get even

You've got a list of enemies and you've checked it twice. Problem is, by tomorrow their heads will all be mere balls in Xiquiripat the Flying Scab's ball court. Maybe it's time to forgive and forget? Hardly. The first person on your list should be anyone who cut you off from the right lane at a stoplight -- the jerkfaces who pull around and pretend they're going to take a right then cut you off at the green? Find all of them and give them a piece of your mind. Then find the people who complain about L.A. driving in the rain and casually remind them that a few days of raining water is nothing compared to the raining blood they'll be experiencing in a few hours. Try driving on that, assholes. It probably wouldn't hurt to step on a few fedoras while you're scolding LA's evildoers; everyone can appreciate a properly stomped fedora, right?

click to enlarge With friends like these, who needs enemas?
  • With friends like these, who needs enemas?
7. Get hammered

You've got plenty of options. First off, 'tis the season to be Mayan, so do as the Mayans do and squirt yourself up an alcoholic enema. But maybe you want to go solo and just carry around a bottle of Louis XIII? Fine. But if you're not shoving it up your netherparts or guzzling insanely expensive stuff -- try one of those craft cocktails. We hear the Wellesbourne's not a bad place. We also hear that there's a nice bar or two around town that won't be filled with terrible people.

Up next: Insanity

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