In last night's episode, the better part of the RHOBH gang headed to Hawaii to celebrate Mauricio Umansky's birthday (because, of course, who needs a trip with the boys when you can tow along your wife's TV friends?) and we had the pleasure of watching Brandi Glanville cut loose on a cocktail of Xanax and booze. Is Brandi the new Kim Richards? We kind of hope so, because her incoherent rants are a lot funnier. More on those in a moment.
As for who was not in attendance, Taylor and Russell Armstrong topped that list. If you're blacklisted from the White Party, Lord knows you're not going on any overnight trips. In a scene with her "psychologist" (anyone else notice his title changed from doctor of osteopathy? That's weird), Taylor claimed to not have known the contents of the email Russell sent to Camille threatening litigation, and tearfully discussed her frustration with having to constantly manage Russell's outbursts. Regardless of what her therapist has a degree in, he had a good point: it was time for her to make a difficult decision about whether to stay in the marriage. In a later scene she calls Lisa and Kyle to tell them she split with Russell.
Also absent from the Hawaiian vacay was Dana Wilkey, who's annoying and sucks, and isn't really close friends with anyone. We kind of hope she's MIA from next season as well.
Finally, though Kim was invited, she and boyfriend/possible enabler Ken missed the flight for reasons no one could decipher through Kim's incoherent rambling. Sigh.
But fear not, because Brandi happily took on the role of cracked-out buffoon. Where Kyle chose hypnosis to curb her fear of flying, (which obviously didn't work since she was freaking out on the plane) Brandi took a simpler route: drugs. She knocked back a couple of Xanax with a tall glass of champagne and proceeded to run. Her. Mouth. Among her observations were that Kim's boyfriend Ken looks like a gay bullmastiff and that men who drive red Ferraris have small penises. Ok, that's not so revolutionary, but was made hilarious by the fact that Adrienne felt compelled to counter that theory using her red Ferrari-driving brother as a rebuttal. Ew, Adrienne! When and why are you looking at your brother's fully-grown adult penis?!
Finally day broke in Hawaii and it was time to hit the pool, where Brandi made all the other women uncomfortable with her miniscule, butt cleavage-bearing mesh bikini. We get it, Brandi, that teeny tiny ass is the reason Leann Rimes hasn't eaten in two years, but trust us, making the other gals feel fat is not the way into full-fledged Housewivesville.