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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Taylor Armstrong Tea'd Off

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Tue, Nov 15, 2011 at 12:38 PM

click to enlarge Taylor's had it up to here. - BRAVOTV.COM
  • bravotv.com
  • Taylor's had it up to here.
We hope you had your electronic cigarettes on hand last night, or whatever it is you reach for to take the edge off. The stress of it all from Lisa's tea-party-turned-fight-club was a little more than we could handle.

The episode started off with Kyle finally meeting Kim's boyfriend Ken, whom she's been keeping a secret for a year. Kyle's upset Kim's decided to move in with him instead of moving closer to her. Kyle had to wipe away a fit of tears in order to shake her new pseudo brother-in-law's hand, only to return to a private room and continue to cry some more.

Ok, let's be real about why Kyle is crying.

She says it's because she doesn't think Kim is happy. That she's rushing into this and it's not really what she wants. But that doesn't seem true. Kim's not rushing. Kim seems sure about it, and considering Kim never shows up to Housewives gatherings anymore, it's pretty clear she'd rather spend time with her new lovah than her sister.

Kyle's really just crying because Ken is so oogly. There, we said it. He's not Beverly Hills Househusband material. He's certainly no Mauricio, and Kyle just doesn't know how she's going to be able to sit across from him at Villa Blanca and be expected to eat food in public.

But this little cryfest was peanuts next to Taylor's meltdown take two. Good gracious, here we go.

Lisa invited Taylor over for tea along with the rest of the crew, despite that Taylor hadn't invited Lisa to whatever awards luncheon she'd invited all the other girls to the previous day. (Taylor was honored for being a "woman making a difference" because she's running an online makeup store? We didn't get it.)

Lisa pretty much ambushed Taylor the second she walked in, calling her out for not having invited her. In the past, this likely would have caused Taylor to cower, but for whatever reason, on that day, it lit a fire in Taylor, who decided this was the perfect moment to spew as much hatred onto Lisa as humanly possible.

Taylor broke down into tears, accusing Lisa of talking behind her back, criticizing her and generally being "not her friend." (UGH! We're so sick of this phrase. Why do middle-aged women insist on using it? It makes them sound like 3rd graders.) Lisa seemed to grasp her pain, and apologized for however she'd hurt Taylor's feelings.

Then what the hell happened? Was there tricky editing with this tea party? Everything seemed resolved. But Taylor must have seen this as an opportunity, since she suddenly attempted a Lisa gang bang. It went something like this, "Lisa, I hate you! I've always hated you! And guess what -- everyone in this room hates you, too! Right, Kyle? Didn't you just say the other day that Lisa has a huge ego? Camille, you think she sucks, right? Everyone thinks she sucks! Right? You've all told me in private that we should throw Lisa off a cliff. C'mon, ladies, back me up here!!!"

Cue the crickets.

Feeling suddenly very alone (ya think?) Taylor stormed out, but stopped quickly at Lisa's gates to for a quick Botox consult with Dr. Paul.

click to enlarge Paul works his magic fingers on Taylor's face. - BRAVOTV.COM
  • bravotv.com
  • Paul works his magic fingers on Taylor's face.

Paul's face massage soothed Taylor enough to go back in and rejoin the girls, but little did she know, they'd been discussing in her absence Taylor's larger issues of abuse in her marriage. Or lack thereof.

Not everyone was convinced, and honestly, we don't blame anyone for saying they weren't sure they believed abuse occurred. From what we saw of Russell last year, we maybe would have doubted it too. As Paul pointed out, he did seem mellow. Plus, how could Taylor be in an abusive relationship at the same time she was making keynote speeches at her domestic violence charity with Russell sitting right there in the audience? Of course we now know abuse did exist, but clearly the layer of coverup on it was thick.

The Housewives couldn't take Taylor's antics anymore. There was too much erratic behavior and too many mixed messages -- it was time to put the cards on the table. "We've been protecting you," they all chimed. How? "Because we don't say that he hits you!" Camille snipped. "But now we've said it."

I don't know about "we," Camille. It's more like you said it. You took that leap of putting an outright accusation on camera. We're not saying any of the subsequent happenings (the divorce, the suicide) were her fault. Of course not. But the shit hit the fan, and Camille threw it. And from what previews show, Taylor doesn't exactly appreciate that.

Until next week, when the Taylor takeover continues.

Follow Ali Trachta on Twitter at @MySo_CalLife and for more arts news follow @LAWeeklyArts.

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