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Culture

8 Reasons Why Your Drug Dealer Hates You

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Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 11:00 AM

click to enlarge OPEN FOR BUSINESS. UNLESS YOU SUCK.
  • Open for business. Unless you suck.
It's been said that miserable circumstances are incited when you piss off your bartender, hairdresser or leader of your preferred religious denomination, in addition to a slew of people in other professions (your pizza delivery guy, your fitness instructor) who've had enough of you. Being that we thoroughly believe in transparency, and since these days even our moms have started smoking pot again, we're going to go right ahead and add one's drug dealer to the aforementioned list. Yes, I said it. Don't wag your finger at the monitor; I've probably got your number, too.

Of course your dealer knows the risks he or she faces from the police and federal authorities, but that isn't your dealer's main fear. Dealing can be akin to being a local celebrity, but without most of the perks that go along with stardom, and they've probably made peace or precautions with the Johnny Law scenario. Your dealer's main fear is wondering what kind of shit you're going to pull on a daily basis. (Emailing me with a request for drugs would be one of those moves, so file that under "don't even think about it" before we proceed.)

Having been a bud-slinger myself, I'm going to tell you about issues that arise when it comes to procuring drugs that make us contemplate -- gulp -- attaining a socially acceptable job with a real water cooler and all the fixings. I haven't been in the saddle for a while, but I'll never forget some of you, despite how much I wish I could. Your dealer will thank me for this.

8. Dealing often involves phone call, but it doesn't mean on-call.

A dealer might give you a break on a holiday that is either A) a lot of fun, or B) isn't really observed in their household. We have birthdays, families, court dates, and for those of us on the political spectrum, perhaps legalization rallies to attend. If it's my birthday, you certainly do not get a free birthday eighth, stop making my phone light up. Late at night is one thing, even understandable, but six o'clock in the morning is generally unacceptable.

"Dude, I know it's late..."

"Dude, so do I. I can read a clock just fine. Go to bed."

We get that we're on the fringe of it all, so we understand what a midnight call warrants. Hell, most of us expect business to pick up between 7:00 PM - Midnight, but after that, it's a case-by-case basis.Your dealer doesn't worry about rounds because we aren't doctors (even though we know how to make you feel better). We aren't like 7-Eleven. Exceptions to this rule do exist, usually for people we consider friends. This feeds into something terribly important...

click to enlarge BEST FRIENDS FOREVER?
  • Best friends forever?
7. My dealer, my friend? No.

This is the pseudo-celebrity aspect of dealing that gets really maddening. There is a line. We may break state and federal law more times a day than you had hot meals, but just because we do it for you doesn't mean you're the only one. If we allow you product without paper, it's because we know where you live or we actually are friends, and I actually like you. If I don't keep a cryptic way of tallying up debtors, I remember them very well. Nobody's going to come get you or slap your girlfriend, but we will find an opportune time to bring it up. Thank you for bringing me that cheeseburger I didn't ask for or the bunch of movies you were going to trade in, because it was nice. Yes, it was very nice, but Nada Surf won't pay my electricity bill. I'm sure they're very good boys, but I've never had them as clients.

6. I don't have change for that.

Break your money. I don't care if you have to go to Target and buy yourself something you'd normally buy under the influence (lawn darts, ornamental wreaths, etc.), just imagine how you'll feel after we exchange goods.

"Do you have change for $276.39"?

"I have a kick in the ass for you, but other than that, not really."

Your arcane, big money bill isn't any good here, sonny. Go buy a good bottle of wine and call me later.

click to enlarge DERELICTS OR SIMPLY STONERS?
  • Derelicts or simply stoners?
5. Undercover officer? No problem.

I worried more about getting robbed by derelicts because I worked hours that were pretty extensive, being an incurable insomniac. Police with a badge and uniform made me incredibly nervous; they had a badge, I had a trunk full of reefer sometimes, that's a game of rock-paper-scissors I couldn't ever win. I figured out who a few undercover people were, basically by decoding body language and getting out of whatever that situation was. A lot of being a dealer is about understanding subconscious clues and larger than life truth, because if you're going to ask me questions, I'll ask twice as many. Quid pro quo, Clarice.

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