Yet More Lists

Observed at the "Dancing Fountains," The Grove, November 17, 2004, from 3:03 P.M. To 4:03 P.M., In Order of Rank:

Designer Jeans With a Funny and/or Disconcerting Fade: ¾ of all shoppers

Grown Women Dressed Like Teenage Girls: 34

Grown Men Dressed Like Teenage Girls: 24

Sets of Breast Implants: 24 (of which 15 belonged to GWDLTG)

Couples in Similar and/or Matching Outfits: 22

Designer Sunglasses With a Conspicuously Large Label: 18

Anything Sort of Tracksuit-ish: 18

Pregnant/Non-Pregnant "Cool & Hip!!!" Moms: 15

Babies Dressed Like Eastside Hipsters: 12

Uggs/Mucklucks: 11

Funny Non-Trucker Hats: 10

Future Wife of Jon Alain Guzik: 6 (2 of whom I think worked at J.Crew)

Anything Terrycloth: 6

Fat Dudes in Sports Gear: 5

Passé Trucker Hats: 4

Couples With Both Parties on Cell Phone: 4

Dogs in Sweaters: 3

—Jon Alain Guzik

8 Alley Shortcuts

Melrose: The small intestine of West Hollywood alleys, this bumpy stretch just south of Melrose from Fairfax High to La Brea (.8 miles) is a Saturday winner if you want to avoid the main drag’s clusters of overweight 13-year-olds consuming 60-ounce beverages while strolling ever so slowly in dirty platform flip-flops. (Nightmare.)

Doheny: Go north off Carmelita, north of Melrose just west of Doheny, and this dark, high-walled alley will take you all the way up to Sunset. The bright lights there are visible from the beginning of the journey a half-mile away — it’s like seeing heaven!

Robertson: West of Robertson, the alley from Alden to Burton Way offers a speedy alternative to rush-hour and weekend traffic. Great if you’re in a race for parking; bad if you like to see and be seen.

Fairfax: Start at the parking lot right behind Eat-a-Pita and head south, south, south past that annoying pedestrian free-for-all near Canter’s. You get all of the neighborhood’s flavor and none of its hassles.

Beverly Boulevard: At Croft, south of Beverly, take the alley all the way to the gas station at Fairfax. There’s even an alley intersection — to avoid the Farmers Market traffic make a right on the alley paralleling Fairfax and you’re good all the way to Wilshire.

Wilshire in Beverly Hills: Another small-intestine alley, this long one-way ride starts south of Wilshire at Beverly Drive and takes you east down to Clark. Along the way, tons of north/south alleys that parallel most of the streets in the stretch — Cañon, Rexford, Oakhurst — offshoot from the main artery and make up an impressive alternative network.

The Fairfax/Olympic/San Vicente mindfuck: Not necessarily a frequent-use alley, but good to know about. Behind Starbucks and Shakey’s, this one connects Fairfax/Olympic to Fairfax/San Vicente, essentially making a nifty triangle that connects the three. It’s a gem.

Santa Monica Boulevard in Beverly Hills: The autobahn of L.A. alleys begins around the 500 block of Sierra, just north of Santa Monica Boulevard. Aside from the median strip at Rodeo, this lush alley — thank you, Beverly Hills taxpayers — will take you down to Wilshire. Renata Faiman, 23, sums up the alley commuter’s attitude, scoffing at those who think Carmelita is a golden ticket: "Carmelita Shmarmelita. It’s got all those stop signs! In the alley, you just cruise right through."

—Elizabeth Arnold

26 Clubs To Join

1. Afro-American Quilters of Los Angeles

2. Bunker Hill Stamp Club

3. California Rare Fruit Growers, West Los Angeles

4. Coalition To Abolish Slavery and Trafficking

5. Cowboy Lawyers Association

6. Fifty Men With One Accord

7. Free Arts for Abused Children

8. Friends of the Los Angeles River

9. Golden State Chinese Shar-Pei Club

10. Habitat for Humanity, Los Angeles

11. Hole in One for Life

12. In the Meantime Men’s Group

13. Iranian Dental Association

14. Kooli Indian Association

15. L.A. Classic Chevy Club

16. Los Angeles Mycological Society

17. Pacific Palisades Stamp Club

18. Pagan Pride Los Angeles

19. Sisters in Crime

20. Socialist Party of Southern California

21. Southern California Transit Advocates

22. Southern California War Tax Resistance

23. Students for Teaching Ethical Awareness Through Movies

24. Virtuous Woman Under Construction

25. Watts Labor Community Action Committee

26. World Future Society, Greater Los Angeles Futurist

—Kate Wolf

Top 10 Numbers

1. 4

2. 3

3. 7

4. 2

5. 8

6. 1

7. 10

8. 9

9. 5

10. 6

—Anne Fishbein

Top 4 March-On-Washington T-shirts

1. This Is What a Feminist Looks Like

2. The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own

3. Surgeon General’s Warning: This Administration May Be Hazardous to Women’s Health

4. Get Your Bush Out of My Bush

—Nora Zelevansky

6 Wonderful Bush Judicial Nominees and Appointments Full Court Press By Judith Lewis

"The Senate has confirmed 201 of [Bush’s] judicial nominees, more than the per-term averages for Presidents Clinton, Reagan, and Bush senior. Senate Republicans blocked more than 60 of Clinton’s nominees; Senate Democrats have blocked only 10 of Bush’s. (Those 10, by the way, got exactly what they deserved. Some of them . . . rank among the worst judicial appointments ever attempted.)"

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