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Yet More Lists

City Council Websites: Number of Hits This Year

1. District 3, Dennis Zine: 190,419

2. District 13, Eric Garcetti: 183,041

3. District 15, Janice Hahn: 164,268

4. District 9, Jan Perry: 157,744

5. District 14, Antonio Villaraigosa: 149,929

6. District 1, Ed Reyes: 143,330

7. District 7, Alex Padilla: 139,227

8. District 4, Tom LaBonge: 136,639

9. District 5, Jack Weiss: 133,859

10. District 8, Bernard Parks: 129,941

11. District 11, Cindy Miscikowski: 123,643

12. District 6, Tony Cardenas: 113,153

13. District 2,Wendy Greuel: 102,023

14. District 10, Martin Ludlow: 96,811

15. District 12, Greg Smith: 79,226

—Kate Wolf


Real Names of Classified Concepts in the Military Planning Document “Air Force 2025”

No. 900481: Destructo Swarmbots

No. 200015: Distortion Field Projector

No. 200023: Surveillance Swarm

No. 900258: Oxygen Sucker

No. 900299: Hunter-Killer Attack Platform

No. 900336: Cloaking

No. 900364: Bionic Eye

No. 900522: Space-Based A.I.-Driven Intelligence Master Mind System

No. 900288: Swarms of Micro-Machines

And INCAPACATTACK: The Strings of the Puppet Master

—Joshuah Bearman


6 Visiting-Mom Faux Pas

1 Picking a fight with the guard at the Museum of Tolerance.

2 Bargaining for merchandise at expensive Westside art gallery.

3 Wearing all her jewelry (otherwise nude) into mineral pool at Beverly Hot Springs, then having to be told three times to be quiet before being threatened with removal.

4 Bargaining for merchandise at low-rent Eastside garage sale — but not enough, and then complaining about it all afternoon.

5 Talking loudly through Lost in Translation, exclaiming “Kampai!” and high-fiving her husband with each appearance of Mt. Fuji, which they had visited.

6 Falling asleep on the couch during my Rosh Hashanah dinner party. (“Dude, my grandmother does that,” said a guest.)

—Deborah Vankin


It’s a Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt World!

Matt Drudge, author of the highly influential Drudge Report, www.drudgereport.com

Matt Haughey, creator and administrator of the highly influential collaborative blog Metafilter, www.metafilter.com

Matt Welch, highly influential libertarian-leaning journalist and blogger

Matt Wright, who maintains Matt’s Script Archive, providing free CGI scripts to the Web community since 1995, and, according to Google, is the most popular Matt on the Internet

Matthew Barney, artist and filmmaker

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons and Futurama. Enough said

Matt Damon, Matt Damon

—Judith Lewis


Hands Down the Single Coolest Page on the Internet

Hands Down the Single Coolest Page on the Internet

A 360-degree panorama from Mount Everest summit—Judith Lewis


10 Things To Do Before I Die

1 Base jump off Jesus statue in Rio de Janeiro

2 Skydive while on fire

3 Streak at a soccer game

4 Drive a car off a cliff

5 Be cryogenically frozen

6 Moon a live news camera

7 Make and swim in a pool of Jell-O

8 Tie air balloons to a lawn chair and fly

9 Put butt cheeks in wet cement

10 Break out of prison

—Cal Christie, age 14


Top Affirmations of 2003

1 Mm-hm.

2 Yeah.

3 That’s right.

4 That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

5 You see that?

6 That’s what I’m sayin’.

7 Absolutively.

8 Amen.

9 Fuckin’ A.

10 Fuckin’ Amen.

—Dave Shulman


Hottest New Sexual Positions

1 Triple anal missionary

2 Double reverse gangbang

3 Covina wallbanger

4 Dry hump bukkake

5 Stovetop stuffing

6 Eunuch gloryhole clusterfuck

7 Chatsworth

—Dave Shulman