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Why Californians Should Be Called In To Stop Gulf Oil Spill

It's sad watching British Petroleum struggle to stop the month-long Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico as the Obama administration stands by, arms akimbo. BP has proposed some out-of-sight solutions, including plugging the underwater well's leaks with mud and cement. They shouldn't send Brits or Texans, however, to do a Californian's job. Here are five reasons Californians should be tapped to stop this crazy thing:

-Since Lindsay Lohan is no longer allowed to drink, the leaks could be plugged with her collection of half-used champagne magnums, vodka bottles and margarita salt.

-The state legislature could fill those holes with red ink till the cows come home.

-Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger would stand over the leaky, deep-water well and call it emasculating names like "girly man," and "liberal," forcing it to quiver and succumb to his muscle-bound wishes.

-Mexican-Americans from East L.A., known for their ingenious, unorthodox fixes when it comes to car repair, would have the leaks plugged up in no time using just duct tape, WD-40 and Bungee Cords.

-Two words: Ron Jeremy.


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