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While We're At It, Four Pieces of Advice for Lindsay Lohan As She Goes to Jail

Lindsay Lohan won't be serving the full 90 days due to overcrowding, but she'll serve some time. Here's some advice:

1. Befriend the kindly, wise old African-American man who goes by "Red" and will be able to get you things you'll want and need, and is the coolest narrator anyone could have of their time in jail.

2. No man can eat 50 eggs.

3. If you start watching "Papillon," your sentence will be finished by the time the movie ends.

4. When F. Scott Fitzgerald (Lindsay: He was an American writer) wrote that there are no second acts in American life, he didn't really mean there are no comebacks. What he really meant was explained by D'Angelo Barksdale in season two of "The Wire," during a prison reading program: "The past is always with us. Where we come from, What we go through. How we go through it. All this shit matters...you can change up. You can say you somebody new. You can give yourself a whole new story. But what came first is who you really are. And what happened before is what really happened...."