When Sext-ers Attack: How to Make Boner Pics Go Bye-Bye

As stated in previous how-not-to's on AfterDarkLA.com, boner photos sent in bad timing have the ability to turn a vaginal Niagara into a vulvic (first made-up word of 2011) Sahara.

Men respond simply and immediately to erotic visuals. Gonzo-style porn, void of story lines and much dialog, does the trick and has overpowered traditional story-driven features - with exception of the parody genre, which works merely because it's fun to see adult's version of Zack Morris rail both Kelly Kapowski AND A.C. Slater at The Max.

Note pornography labeled "couples" or "female-friendly" is more often than not plot-driven, featuring some kind of fantasy or relatable story line that ties the fuck scenes together. This applies to the latest big-budget "Pirates" feature or even Pink & White's "girl gonzo" Crash Pad Series - which still features characters and a plot that keeps us wondering where the key is and who fucks whom next.

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT to say that women aren't turned on by sexy images. Of course we are. But where men tend to enjoy what they see off the bat, a woman's analytical tendencies - all depending on her mood, confidence level, current sex/relationship status, etc. - have the ability to essential sabotage her sexual reaction.

A 2006 study conducted at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis challenged the assumption that men respond differently to erotic imagery than women.

The study's news release featured comment by research assistant Andrey P. Anokhin, PhD, that said the researchers were surprised to learn that not only did sexual images trump disturbing ones in the brain response scale, but subconscious reactions in women were just as strong as those in men.

The researchers measured brainwave activity of 264 women as they were shown 55 different images depicting all kinds of randomness, from angry dogs to sexy couples. Their synapses fired about 20 percent faster when the erotic imagery flashed before their eyes.

And then that electrical activity, called event-related potentials (or ERPs), dissipated as the signals were sent to the different parts of the brain responsible for processing sexual imagery. That is where the difference between the way men and women react to words vs. photos begins.

Sending Jimbo a photo of your whale tale or even a sultry squint can spark a chub. That doesn't mean the same will do the trick for the ladies - but not because it doesn't turn us on. Of course it does, whether we want it to or not. Some researchers, including those who conducted the above mentioned study, believe it's an innate evolutionary reaction.

But I believe women tend to subconsciously find a way to turn ourselves off just as quickly.

That's one reason why literary erotica is still going strong in our image- and visual-driven society. Describing the scene, rather than posting a photo depicting the act, gives women control over the situation.

We often would rather create our own versions of the scene, selecting the setting and choosing the cast - elements that have the power to shrink our lady boners in a heartbeat.

Our critical eyes can latch onto the tiniest detail and, depending on our mental state, turn our focus from the act at hand to the size of her waist, the authenticity of the bedroom set-up, or whether or not a guy that short could land a chick with those tits. (Yes it's totally ridiculous, but it happens.)

And, as we learned last week on "Between the Sheets," many women create their own visual fantasies in order to set a more appealing scene. For example, one guest revealed the fantastical version of herself has a much better body and that is one image that gets her there faster.

I seem to have gone on a tangent with this one. My whole point was to share a way I was able to teach one young man to put a cap on the countless unwanted visual sext messages featuring his boner.

I realized I never thought to just tell him to use his words. I know he's capable of them - when we first met, he unknowingly soaked my underwear AND the couch cushion underneath me each time he spoke. But instead, I allowed myself to feel irritated and, occasionally, repelled by the sometimes-blurry fleshy rod on my cellphone.

So this weekend I received another boner photo, but before I put my phone down with an eye roll I told him how I felt in the most neutral, non-critical way.

And he suddenly became sexual Shakespeare. Hallelujah.

Yes. That's true.

Aw, he learned! He TOLD me he was rock hard. That's exponentially better than the boner. Cuz I know what that both looks AND feels like and the only reminder I want is a physical one.

And did I get one? A lady never tells.

Oh who am I kidding, Stay tuned...I'll end up writing about it.


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