What 'Billy Elliot,' Porn Can Teach You About Proper Cunnilingus (aka Pussy Eating)

Make her come and you can rule the world.
Make her come and you can rule the world.

Billy Elliot, the adorably pale boy who danced into our hearts with the award-winning film, "Billy Elliot," is all grown up. Now as a taller, firmer and still adorably pale 25-year-old, actor Jamie Bell is giving advice to his fans regarding the fairer sex.

Our main hos over at DListed told us about Bell's latest vagina-focused interview, this time with British GQ, in which he made sure everyone on the Internet and beyond knows he likes to eat pussy.

Now that's a face you wanna sit on.
Now that's a face you wanna sit on.

Question 1: What's the best way to impress a woman?

Answer 1: Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let's cut to the primal - be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what's going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.

Question 2: What skill should every man have?

Answer 2: Skill? You know what I'm going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.

Casual Follow-up Question 3: You do realise you've got another publicist standing right behind you?

Over-confidently masculine answer 3: I don't care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.

OK, Bell. We get it. But where do we learn these important skills and how do we practice?

Porn teaches us a lot. It fills the gaping holes (see what I did there?) left by what little sex education we receive in schools and (if at all) at home from our parents, guardians or older siblings.

But porn teaches us a lot of things that many sex educators wish could be unlearned - if not erased - from our brains.

Take pile-driving for example. This sex position is an acrobatic move used for show, not pleasure. It looks hot on camera. She lies in a shoulder-stand position with her legs around her ears while he shoves his cock so deep inside it rams up against her cervix.

But if they're not careful, that rock-hard penis can strain the ligaments that keep her uterus in place, not to mention bruise her cervix and cause anything but a raging orgasm.

Still seem sexy? Didn't think so.

Sorta...kinda...a little like that.
Sorta...kinda...a little like that.

So anywho, cunnilingus in porn is performed with similar goals in mind. You've got an audience and they're sitting directly in front of where the camera is positioned, so there's only one angle from which to view the goods.

When oral sex performed on a woman happens in real life, done the right way with the goal of making her come all over the place and possibly wake the neighbors, the view resembles the giver face-planting into the receiver's vag.

He or she is so deep in there, you can't see much other than a head of hair gyrating and occasionally coming up for air. So imagine how not hot that is to see on a $60 porn flick that you totally didn't illegally torrent for free. You waited 20 minutes for that whole thing to download and you want to see pussy!

That's why she's either bent with her legs over her head or splayed in an air split. That's why the giver occasionally rubs his face into her vag and then proceeds to flick and lick at her clit like a cobra. Cuz that way the viewer can see all the goods and what's happening to them.

But the squeals and moans coming from the receiver are exaggerated for the same reasons her legs are flailing over her head: so the person watching on the other side of the screen can get off and have a good time doing it.

Here are 3 basic tips for quality cunnilingus that you won't find in your porn stash:

 

Keep the beat. She'll provide the vocals.
Keep the beat. She'll provide the vocals.

1. Repetition is key. When you're getting her going, warming things up and getting in the groove, follow any sporadic speed, tempo or tongue tango you can. That's what teasing is for. But when you're ready to get down and get her to come all over you, stop with the twists and turns.

Steady movement will get her there. It'll give her something to concentrate on as she gets her mind in the same groove. Whether it's clockwise tongue circles to the beat of whatever Flying Lotus song is playing, or a steady up and down licking movement, keep it up.

She's not going to get bored, she's going to get hard (her clit will, that is), breathe deeper, and start that climb up the mountain until she hits the peak and hurtles into ecstasy. Try not to skip a beat, and for the sake of your sex life - don't stop.

2. Patience is key. Despite what you might see in porn and other media, women don't come in a heartbeat. They often don't come in several heartbeats. Some sex educators say women can take up to 20 minutes to "get there" so when your lady isn't moaning and flopping around after 5 minutes of tongue flapping, don't get frustrated.

And you sure as hell better not stop what you're doing to ask her what's taking so long. That'll warrant you a kick in the face.

If it does seem to be taking longer than usual, and you're not getting any of the telltale "I'm gonna come soon" signs, there's no reason not to pause to ask her if there's something different you can do for her.

Because nothing settles a female mind into the orgasm groove faster than knowing her "giver" is as eager to make it happen as she is, and is willing to do whatever it takes - no matter how long it might take - to get her there.

 

Follow her lead, cuz she knows what makes it taste best.
Follow her lead, cuz she knows what makes it taste best.

3. Positioning is key. Your tongue is a giant muscle. One of the strongest in your body. Keep in mind that it flexes and grows flaccid just like the muscles in your bod. Flex your bicep and the girl goes "ooooh" but flex your tongue and the girl might go "ouch."

When the clitoris is swollen, engorged with blood with nerve endings at attention, the LAST thing you want to hit it with is a flexed muscle. Stiffening your tongue into a point and flicking at the clit as if it's a light switch not only won't bring an orgasm but it also might hurt.

The clit is at its most sensitive so why would you want to whack it with the equivalent of an oral baseball bat? So soften your tongue when you're ready to touch it to her nether regions.

If you need inspiration, treat licking the vagina as though you're eating a soft ice cream cone. You want to get as much of that sweet treat on your tongue as possible, which means you make your tongue soft, flat and able to catch as much as you can. When you stiffen it and poke at the frozen dessert all you end up doing is pushing it off the cone before you get a real taste.

Does that sound delicious? Fuck no. So don't do it to her pussy.

You're now armed with some of the most valuable information, advice and details that you'll ever get straight from the horse's mouth without having to service the horse immediately after.

So go off and give it a try. You won't get it perfect right away and it won't be your fault - every vagina is a beautiful snowflake with different dangly parts and the only way to lick her exactly the way she needs it is by communicating.

But the above-mentioned tips are the best stepping (or licking?) points. You might end up being her hero so be sure you only give her your real number if you're ready and willing to get late-night messages and the occasional sext.


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