Urinal for Midgets
Ranters: Noisy, excitable boys of about 11 and 13 years old
Location: Men's room at the original Farmers Market
Time: 4 p.m. on the Sunday before Thanksgiving
Topics covered: men's-room line etiquette; the inherent creepiness of kid-size urinals; the shame of being pee-shy; what-the-fuck might be wrong with people; how to deny the prurient interest of butt-holes; the dangers of being precociously equipped.
[Men in a line fidget as they wait for a turn at the urinals. One urinal becomes available, and Younger Kid, who is next in line, gestures to the man behind him to step up instead. The man does.]
Older Kid: [Calling over from a urinal.] What the hell, man? My brother's next.
Younger Kid: No, I let him.
Older Kid: Aren't you going?
Younger Kid: Not at that weird one. That one's for midgets.
Older Kid: I thought you were all, "Ooh, I got to go! Ooh, don't make me laugh 'cause I got to go!"
Younger Kid: I don't use the small one!
[Another urinal becomes available. Younger Kid stands glumly at head of line, and after a few seconds, the next man in line steps past to claim the vacancy.]
Older Kid: I'm not going to wait for you.
Younger Kid: Shut up.
Older Kid: Are you shy? Do you have that thing?
Younger Kid: Shut up! I don't like the little one!
Older Kid: "The little one." That's about right.
Younger Kid: Shut up!
[By now, Younger Kid has stepped out of line altogether, and Older Kid has moved on to the sinks.]
Older Kid: Are you going to go or not?
Younger Kid: Not now. Not after all your shit.
[The kids move toward the exit.]
Older Kid: What the fuck's wrong with you?
Younger Kid: What's wrong with you? I'm the smart one. I don't just want any of those butt-holes in there staring at my 10-inch fucking dick.
[Nobody in the men's room acknowledges any of what has been said.]
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