Urinal for Midgets

Ranters: Noisy, excitable boys of about 11 and 13 years old

Location: Men's room at the original Farmers Market

Time: 4 p.m. on the Sunday before Thanksgiving

Topics covered: men's-room line etiquette; the inherent creepiness of kid-size urinals; the shame of being pee-shy; what-the-fuck might be wrong with people; how to deny the prurient interest of butt-holes; the dangers of being precociously equipped.

The Rant:

[Men in a line fidget as they wait for a turn at the urinals. One urinal becomes available, and Younger Kid, who is next in line, gestures to the man behind him to step up instead. The man does.]

Older Kid: [Calling over from a urinal.] What the hell, man? My brother's next.

Younger Kid: No, I let him.

Older Kid: Aren't you going?

Younger Kid: Not at that weird one. That one's for midgets.

Older Kid: I thought you were all, "Ooh, I got to go! Ooh, don't make me laugh 'cause I got to go!"

Younger Kid: I don't use the small one!

[Another urinal becomes available. Younger Kid stands glumly at head of line, and after a few seconds, the next man in line steps past to claim the vacancy.]

Older Kid: I'm not going to wait for you.

Younger Kid: Shut up.

Older Kid: Are you shy? Do you have that thing?

Younger Kid: Shut up! I don't like the little one!

Older Kid: "The little one." That's about right.

Younger Kid: Shut up!

[By now, Younger Kid has stepped out of line altogether, and Older Kid has moved on to the sinks.]

Older Kid: Are you going to go or not?

Younger Kid: Not now. Not after all your shit.

[The kids move toward the exit.]

Older Kid: What the fuck's wrong with you?

Younger Kid: What's wrong with you? I'm the smart one. I don't just want any of those butt-holes in there staring at my 10-inch fucking dick.

[Nobody in the men's room acknowledges any of what has been said.]

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