Top 5 Yoga Poses for Enlightened Oral Sex

I've been pretty big into yoga for the past five months and it's done wonders. Yoga is the one thing that can tell my brain to shut the hell up in the most passive, not angry way possible. Plus the whole bendability thing is simply a bonus.

Just a month in I could do a full back bend - Wheel pose to you yogis - and soon after I was hoisting and holding myself up in all kinds of crazy shapes.

And being the adorably inappropriate young lady I am, I couldn't help but notice some of the poses I'd encounter each day in class and wonder to myself how they'd translate in the bedroom.

Besides, if you had some of the instructors I've got at my fancy-pants gym, you'd start yoga-ing into the gutter, too. Just wait until Mr. Saturdays at 8:30 helps lift your pelvis and press your sacrum into the floor as you open up your hip flexors.

Yoga certainly gets more interesting when your pussy's wet, and I imagine a mid-class boner's only good for a sturdy Tri-pod pose.

Inspired, I've compiled the top five yoga poses for better oral sex.

1. Ustra (aka Camel)

Particularly beneficial for boys who like blowjobs (as cleverly depicted by the image seen here), camel pose lets you get busy on your knees while taking the pressure off of the knee caps. Not only does the pose provide full aerated access to the area at hand, you also provide a direct obstruction-free pathway for the blood to flow right where it counts. To your BONER. Nothing gets his chakra flowing faster.

2. Setu (aka Bridge)

Just when you thought he couldn't get deep enough into your veda, Bridge is here to lift your spirits as high as your hips can go. Take some of the pressure off of your sacrum - assuming you haven't already propped yourself up on a Liberator Wedge or elderly pillow - and press up through your heels.

Feet hips-width apart with your hands clasped under your butt, your weight will comfortably fall on your upper back and shoulder blades. Plus the amount of control you'll have over where you want your vagina to be in relation to his/her mouth is enough to make Bridge a regular part of the pranayama process.

3. Bitilasana (aka Cow)

Nothing says, "Hey, eat my ass" with the gusto of a guru better than getting on your hands and knees with a slight lift to your rear. You'll be able to give your lower back a bit of a stretch while making it easier than ever for your partner to access your ashram. There isn't much else to say about this one except, out for hidden chakra.

4. Kapotasana (aka King Pigeon)

Assuming this doesn't cut off circulation to your nether regions, King Pigeon pose opens up your flower with no manual assistance required and keeps it in place sturdily and effectively. Just make sure your elbows and knees maintain nothing wider than shoulder and hip width else you'll get the kind of tingly feeling you don't want when you're on your way to nirvana.

You know you're doing it right when your head, hands and feet are all stacked neatly and your vajroli is wide open - which is great for those of us with lotus-like labia.

5. Halasana (aka Plow)

Another pretty stellar analingus pose, but this one gives you the ability to control just how much butt you'd like licked. For us ladies we can comfortably rest our toes behind our head and know that the tongue at hand has a steady stretch for landing, takeoff and any pit stops along the way. And if she wants to restrict clitoral access, just move the legs narrower than hips width and her partner will have no other choice than to dive directly into her asana.

And for our male counterparts Plow pose offers a whole new level of enlightenment. You're lying if you've never at least THOUGHT about ripping some beginner yoga DVDs off a torrent site to see just how close your mouth can get to your cock. I've actually met more than one (straight) sadhaka who's managed to get the tip into his mouth following religious stretching and maybe a little too much motivation. Om shanti.

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