In Hollywood it's practically social suicide to out your age, but since I've never been one to care about such rules (heck, I write about sex for a living) I'm going to date myself now. Back in high school I was so in love with hair metal that I would have done anything to be a groupie for Skid Row, Warrant, Poison, Bon Jovi and more.
So when Jani Lane died this month of still TBD causes, I was super bummed. Warrant's second album, "Cherry Pie," was one of the most formative albums of my last two years of high school, especially with that rebellious ode to Tipper Gore (it started something like fuck, shit, fuck...).
And now that he's gone, there's one more rock star RIPping it up, somewhere down below, and gone is one more lead singer of a rock and roll hair band I would never get to bop.
For the record, I know I will never get to bop, nor want to bop, the lead singers of most hair metal bands, but back in the heyday of hair metal, sometime in the 1980's until the grunge scene hit hard, I wish I could have been a groupie for the hair gods of long haired rock and roll bands.
If I could rock them all night long (or vice versa) here's the top 5 living metal men I would still give a good think about going backstage with. Okay, maybe not with all of them, but at least with Bon Jovi and Steven Tyler. Wouldn't you?
1. Sebastian Bach.
Hands down Skid Row was my all time favorite hair metal band. Sebastian wasn't only the prettiest lead singer in all of hair metal, he...well, OK, that's pretty much what he was. I sobbed every time I heard the "I Love You" line in "I Remember You."
Sebastian's lean legs and his flowing golden locks made me swoon, and I had pics of him posted all over my high school locker. One day my 11th grade math teacher came up to my heavy metal locker door just to ask why I liked to hang pictures of women inside. (Little did he know how much of a man Sebastian was to me.)
Now he's a loose cannon and total wreck, though back then he was too - remember that horrible AIDS shirt controversy? (If you don't know what I'm talking about, good. It's the ugliest moment at the height of his career and it totally sucked for me to still like him, but I was never attracted to him for his brain, or lack thereof).
Some things never change. Recent video footage of him, wasted, badmouthing
Dr. Drew shows that he's still a wreck. That being said, I could always justify living on Park Avenue with Skid Row. I even went to see him in New York on Broadway, not once (Jekyll and Hyde) but twice (Rocky Horror Picture Show) to relive the old days when his voice could hit more than one note.
Sebastian, I'd wash your hair any day.
2. Axl Rose.
I'm talking pre-bloated Axl, the one whose band Guns-n-Roses wasn't a major malfunction (as it is now, if it still even exists at all). Back then it was only slightly dysfunctional.
He was the bad boy who never showed up to concerts at major venues until hours after he was supposed to be on stage, but all was forgiven when he eventually slithered out. The bad boy was only attractive when he wasn't beating up girlfriends, making him a little too bad in real life.
Thing is, he looked so good on stage. At least before that horrid MTV comeback. That sway! That sway! Axl had the pelvic hip action that made me want to learn to rock harder horizontally, and I would melt with every move of those hips.
3. Bon Jovi.
Better than the Jersey Shore, Jon Bon Jovi is the real New Jersey deal. His initials are BJ, suggestive of the things I'd do if I could wrap my lips around his personal microphone.
I know, he's been married to his high school sweetheart for way too many years now, but I've always wondered what their agreement is. No way he hasn't ever got any on the side - he is the lead singer of one of the most influential rock bands around the world.
I don't care if you think he's cheesy, but there's this east coast loyalty to our rock gods, and BJ is on the top of that list. Besides, "New Jersey" and "Slippery When Wet" were great albums, especially when he sings about "Living in Sin" and "Blood on Blood."
4. Bret Michaels.
Bret's sweat once touched me front row at a Bret Michaels and The Hollywood Gutter Cats concert Halloween my senior year, but ultimately it wasn't even me who got to touch him (and sleep with another of his band mates).
It was an old friend of mine, who I dared live vicariously through for a year of our collegiate lives.
Now he's famous for his "Rock of Love" reality show and near-death experience, but back in the day when he was just the lead singer of Poison, I dug his eyeliner and pseudo-pensive lyrics.
If I could have just been there when he needed "Something to Believe In" I know we'd have been alright.
5. Steven Tyler.
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I actually got to meet Steven Tyler and Joe Perry when "Walk This Way," the Aerosmith autobiography, first came out. My knees went weak and I had nothing to say.
The long swaying handkerchief around his mic, the big mouth for better sucking and kissing, and the same type of Axl Rose swagger still makes Steven Tyler the ultimate hair metal rock 'n' roll sex god. Even though he isn't stereotypically hot, doing him would be.