You unwashed heathens -- or at least the ones who've been Facebooking wonderously error-ridden messages about butt sex -- probably don't know who Tom Ford is. He's not involved in the automotive field, and he's definitely not a politician.
He's a top American fashion designer who resurrected the Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent brands in the mid-90s by breathing life into their finances and fashion direction until 2004, and now he's doing his own thing.
Ford has won a zillion awards and sewn Beyonce into some of his finest fabrics, and that's all I need to add him to my list of men I'll never sleep with. That and the fact that he understands how to help men be more tolerable, especially on the dating scene.
Ford offered his top 5 tips for today's refined gentleman to AnOther magazine.
1. You should put on the best version of yourself when you go out in the world because that is a show of respect to the other people around you.
2. A gentleman today has to work. People who do not work are so boring and are usually bored. You have to be passionate, you have to be engaged and you have to be contributing to the world.
3. Manners are very important and actually knowing when things are appropriate. I always open doors for women, I carry their coat, I make sure that they're walking on the inside of the street. Stand up when people arrive at and leave the dinner table.
4. Don't be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background.
5. A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.
Maybe I'm asking for too much but if you close the door in my face, don't gots a job, and judge me because I grew up on a farm and have blond hair, you're a dude fit for a blowup doll.
Here's a Los Angelized version of Ford's stellar points:
1.Treat others the way you want to be treated. Duh, simple as that. Too bad it isn't so simple to do. Women notice how you greet the valet guy, order extra ketchup, and ask where the restrooms are.
It's all in how you handle the little things, and how you treat the people responsible for them. It's sexy to hear a man shoot the shit with the guy who bags your organic pinot gris, aged brie and dried figs at Whole Foods.
2. Passion will get you into every girl's figurative panties. Of course, if your passion revolves around Star Wars collectibles or making sure the cans in your cupboard always face forward, you might need a better hobby.
Having a job is a requirement -- if you don't make a living, and aren't making an effort to find one, your sense of responsibility is down the toilet as are your chances with any self-respecting woman.
But passion outside of your career is even sexier. It shows a different side of your brain, that you care for something deeply enough to voluntarily devote extra time and thought. Whether it's fixing cars, painting, blogging, volunteering or even playing football with a league on the weekends, you're impressing her with variety.
However keep the passion for your favorite big-name sports team at a reasonable level, and until you've committed to something more than casual dating, don't ever make her stay in on a Sunday to watch the game -- unless she wants to.
3. Manners. "Please" and "Thank you" is one thing. Holding the door for a woman, pulling out her chair, helping her on and off with her coat -- we notice these things. It's olde time tradition and though it seems frivolous and lots of chicks say they don't care, most of us have never experienced it before and, therefore, don't know what we're missing.
I remember the first guy I dated who walked on the outside of the sidewalk to "protect" me from traffic. I didn't even know that was something guys did and was confused why he kept weaving around me to get onto my left side. I was happy to know it was because his father taught him well, and not because of a chemical imbalance.
In the sea of men out there with which to have first and maybe second dates, you'll stand out instantly by executing these subtle acts of chivalry. Your OKCupid profile will be "Favorited" for sure.
4. Don't be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background. Tom Ford pretty much said it all. And if you are/do any of these things, don't share it. Just drop her off, make sure she gets inside safe, and then go Yelp for a therapist.
Because it's high time you figure out why you're wasting brain power judging the guy taking your burger order when you could be doing other things. Like taking her out for tapas.
5. Men can wear shorts in and out of the city, but only those made of material other than nylon, polyester and cotton jersey. I get where Ford's going with the "no shorts in the city" rule, but this is Los Angeles and damn it when it's 80-plus degrees out, what guy in his right mind wants to cook his balls in an oven of denim?
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But keep in mind that shorts need to fit you just as well as pants. Don't let your ass hang out and if your crotch reaches your knees you need a smaller size. Belts are nice, too, and if you can avoid wearing rubber flip flops or hiking sneakers with socks you'll make a better impression, I promise.
Depending on your style, you can get thong flip flops made of soft comfy leather, canvas boat shoes you don't have to wear socks with, or other sandals that will look like you give a shit about your feet.
It's all in the details -- it's one thing to wear a clean shirt and zip your fly. But when your footwear doesn't make a "squish flop" sound when you walk and your belt isn't a bungee cord, you get at least 100 more bonus points on the dating score board.
And don't tell me you can't afford it. Go to Target. You're welcome.