There Are First Times for Everything

In love, which is where we've resided comfortably since 1988, there have certainly been a fair number of “firsts,” sex notwithstanding. Many reside in the strictly cliché realm (first date, kiss,  sexual interlude and so on), and we'd be more than a little presumptuous to pretend to have anything new to add that hasn't been experienced either directly or indirectly by most of, well, you.

Our first sexual intercourse, for example, passed smoothly in the privacy of a Venice, Calif., apartment in our early 2os, which is hardly the stuff of movie scripts, compelling essays or novels. Heck, we weren't even our first loves, period.

However, since the theme of this week's After Dark story arc is focused on the initial, we dug deep within our collective memory to find a first that we hadn't visited for a while, specifically something sexual as this column is supposed to put forth.

The exercise was not without benefit; indeed, taking a trip down memory lane and putting 22 years worth of adventures back together gave us a new appreciation for Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe http://www.kennedy-center.org/explorer/artists/?entity_id=3753&source_type=A.

From racing heartbeats on our first date at the Crocodile Cafe in Pasadena, Calif., to all-night conversations sitting outside our respective homes in our cars, to that intensely precious realization when we crossed from dating to depth. We put as much back into our consciousness as our midlife minds could summon, taking pen to paper and jotting down notes, hopefully to be matched later with photos packed away in boxes that might now make a return appearance to document the (truly) best years of our lives. All tinged with the natural sadness of mortality to crystallize years gone by we'll never get back and years to come that will never be infinite.

So, while we could easily describe our first sex in public, our first simultaneous orgasm, first foray onto a porn set, first sex in front of another couple, or any other of the thousands of sexual “firsts” we've experienced in unison, we'd rather leave these intimate firsts to your imagination, which is hopefully not too divergent from your own reality. A first.

Product Love: We were particularly taken with Alison Tyler's “Afternoon Delight: Erotica for Couples,” which imagines 24 hours of sex, from breakfast-in-bed bondage to a female fantasy “nooner” and all hours in between.

If you haven't tried sharing erotic stories with your partner, find a few select stories and alternately read passages in a state of sexual readiness and let the words seduce you. We now prefer this mechanism of stimulation to explicit video and reading can offer a gentle way forward for those reluctant to viewing porn.

Being big fans of cockrings, we've never been disappointed with the offerings from The Screaming O, the owners of whom (Justin and Keith) we met years ago at the now defunct Erotica LA sex expo, working literally out of a suitcase with only a single product (their signature Screaming O vibrating ring).

Today, their company has grown exponentially and their ever-expanding line of sexual aids are steadily creeping into mainstream retail outlets such as Walgreens, appearing on reality and talk TV shows, and garnering the recommendations of sex therapists to assist with sexual enhancement for couples by the thousands.

Watching them grow has been truly remarkable and seeing them remain successful throughout the economic downturn gives us great hope that good people eventually thrive regardless of difficult circumstances. Their new Ojoy stimulation ring substitutes manual clitoral pressure over battery mechanisms, along with a robust silicone ring for lasting power and firmness. We love it!

Visual Stimulation: Tommy Gunn, arguably the most recognizable working male performer in porn next to Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy, finds his ultimate role as “The Fonz” in Hustler's pitch perfect “This Aint Happy Days XXX.”

We tip our hat to Hustler for casting remarkably capable character duplicates (“Not Three's Company XXX” sets the standard) in its parodies, with Jack Lawrence's hilarious Ralph Mouth adding to the growing list of spot-on characters.

Indeed, the scene involving Ralph and Potzie's seduction of “innocent” Joanie rivals the best porn we've encountered – period – and adding a hookup between Fonzie and Mrs. C is pure genius and puts to rest who really was the coolest character on the original sitcom.

Aural Pleasure: Anything by Thievery Corporation and we'll leave it at that.

Next week, we'll explore “road head,” a subject we are (ahem) deeply familiar with, along with a sexy music mix, where to spend your Memorial Day Weekend, and a recipe for romance (food, that is).

Image: Francesco Marino.


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