The 5 Exes You'll Masturbate to This Valentine's Day

She's totally thinking about the thing you guys did in the shower that one time
She's totally thinking about the thing you guys did in the shower that one time

Valentine's Day isn't all about romance and hot sex; it's also about the skillful fantasizing of romance and hot sex. Many of us don't have a special someone (or main ho) with whom to spend/fuck this Hallmark holiday, which means Feb. 14 becomes a day for full-on, hardcore self-love.

And with that in mind, here are five "been there, done that" masturbation fantasies to pull from while you spend the most romantic day of the year with the one you love the most.

The Ex: The One Who Got Away (TWWGA)

You'll Think About: That time three years ago when you almost hooked up after that party but ended up just falling asleep holding each other. And how incredible your wedding would be.

It Will Be: Sensual and perfect, just like the sex you almost had that night three years ago definitely would have been.

And After: Facebook downward spiral leads you to the page of TWWGA's significant other (whom you met at a party once and couldn't stand), who just posted about their newly engaged status. You "like" it, but obviously only out of spite.

The Ex: The One You Fucking Hate

You'll Fantasize About: Tying them up with the torn shards of their favorite shared T-shirt, teasing their pleasure zones until they're about to come, and then peace-ing out while they scream your name in pangs of ecstasy and desperation.

It Will Be: Brief, intense, satisfying, a bit like that scene from Mulholland Dr. where Naomi Watts angrily rubs one out.

And After: Naked from the waist down and solo whiskey-drinking while wearing their actual favorite shared T-shirt, which you stole during the breakup.

The Ex: The One Who Broke Your Heart

You'll Fantasize About: Them arriving at your door in the rain bearing flowers and/or booze and weed, proclaiming that they made a terrible mistake and they want you back always and forever.

It Will Be: Wistful, wine-fueled, tear-soaked.

And After: "Skinny Love" plays on repeat while you drunkenly order a pizza with the hope that the delivery person might be hot enough to invite in for sadness-distracting quickie.

The Ex: The One Who Was Way Older Than You

You'll Fantasize About: All of those fascinating crevices and soft spots on their body that indicated their age.

It Will Be: Slow and gentle.

And After: You'll fall right asleep, just like they always used to.

The Ex: The Awesome Sex One

You'll Fantasize About: That time when they went down on you for, like, two hours.

It Will Be: Really fucking satisfying, but not quite as satisfying as that time they went down on you for, like, two hours.

And After: Late-night booty text leads to actual awesome sex.

Follow @AfterDarkLA on Twitter.

Upcoming Events

Sponsor Content


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >