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We have a lot to be thankful for in Los Angeles today, from the slow, excruciating drag-out of former Bell City Manager/embezzler Robert Rizzo's humiliation to a little black chihuahua with only hind legs who hops around like a kangaroo with a brain the size of a pecan, helping us forget about wars and racial injustice and all other ugly news not fit for Turkey Day.
Here's a nifty holiday roundup, with love from us to you -- all the news that's fit to blog this fine (OK, freezing) Thanksgiving Thursday. No, it does not include tips for cooking the perfect turkey. Although, now that we think of it, that could have been really good for SEO.
- It was kind of hard to celebrate National Opt-Out Day, considering TSA agents were barely offering the invasive X-ray scans yesterday. According to Gizmodo, who cited Twitter as its source like a good little news blog, many of the machines weren't even turned on. Everyone else just chickened out. What a buzz kill for the girl in the bikini.
- Hordes of applicants vied for ownership of a hoppity two-legged chihuahua in Riverside yesterday. (We know you're wondering, sickos: "Roo" uses his two front stumps to pull himself forward, then propels himself off the ground with his hind kickers. It's beautiful, really.) In the end, Yvette Bocz has the honor of watching the cutest little gimp at the animal shelter lick up scraps under her dinner table this Thanksgiving. Bocz cried at the adoption ceremony, calling him "sweetie pie" and vowing to re-name him "Joey." But we think that might confuse the little feller! Awww, we could just eat him up. Not actually, though.
- After what seemed like a thousand City Council votes and studies and deferrals, all L.A. food trucks were finally given the official order to post health grades on their windows yesterday. So if the turkey catches on fire, you can rest assured your local korean BBQ on wheels won't poison Grandma. Which could be a good or bad thing, we suppose. The mandate will include catering trucks at film shoots (a last-minute change). Oh, wait -- the mayor still needs to sign off. This could take a while.
- Quite appropriately, considering former Bell City Manager Robert Rizzo is the physical human embodiment of a plucked 'n' stuffed turkey bird, his trial was in full swing on Thanksgiving Eve. The latest juicy numbers: Rizzo paid himself $305 an hour during almost 150 days of vacations and "sick leave" per year. In other words, he didn't go to work about 40 percent of the time. We're thinking he probably just sat in bed all 150 days, watching the pendulum swing on his solid-gold grandfather clock and imagining a dime materialize for every second it counted off. Now, he's frantically searching for them under the rug. Good riddance, asshole.
- ABC7 has a comprehensive guide to free turkey dinners around the county. Please, use only if you're homeless/needy. We suppose you also qualify if your estranged city is suing you for all you're worth (see above). On a more oppulent note, if you're an L.A.-area canine with a 20-spot to spare, these dog-foodies will hook you up with dank treats like "pumpkin doggy truffles" and "turkey-shaped biscuits." (Don't you like the way dog people talk? Get this: "The dogs just love them and their humans like the fact that their canine buddy can join in the holiday feasting.") We'd like to see a certain chihuahua with no front legs have at one of them truffles.
- It's in the low 60s right now. Last night we're pretty sure it froze. Somewhere not so far away, it's snowing. And no, we won't stop complaining about it.
Fine! It's clear all you really want to know is how to cook the perfect turkey. So here you are: Choose from NBC Los Angeles' hard-hitting chef tips, the Huffington Post's slow roast or some janky old granny blog that's probably getting more hits than the Los Angeles Times today. Not that that makes us happy, or whatever.