Strange Love

THE PLAYER AGENCY Griffin Mill’s opening remarks at Wednesday’s Motion Picture Meeting:

We don’t normally start these sessions with a discussion about civilian news. But I’m sure you’ll agree that a change in direction this exciting deserves a few minutes of everyone’s time. I’m pleased to announce that, starting today, this agency is going to break with Hollywood tradition and start boosting George W. Bush’s presidential campaign.

We do not make this decision lightly. But this week, five national polls came out that show Kerry slipping and Bush in the lead. And my wife, who’s in the same Kabbalah class as Mel Karmazin, tells me Don Imus just switched from being an early Kerry supporter to officially “undecided.” So we’re taking this one step further. We’re going to do for Dubya what Warner Bros. is doing for George Clooney: shove him down the public’s throat even if anyone with half a brain can’t stand him.

This may appear like rats deserting a sinking ship, but try to think of it as market-savvy positioning. As Arnie, Bruce and Tom (Selleck, that is) know, this isn’t about being Democrat or Republican, this is about survival. Besides, as an ex–studio mogul myself, I know this is how Hollywood has worked since the days of Goldwyn, Warner, Cohn and Mayer: There’s a long tradition here of kissing the asses of winners and shitting on losers. After all, when Dolgen was in power at Viacom, weren’t we his biggest fans? And when he got the boot, it became Dolgen Who? and Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. And that’s how it should be. As Hyman Roth said in Godfather II, “This is the business we’ve chosen.” And who here doesn’t believe, like I do, that our mentor Michael Corleone voted Republican?

Remember back when we put a million-dollar bounty on the head of Julia Roberts? So I’m ready to pony up $5 mil for each capture of a bona fide Hollywood Republican. Okay, it’s not anywhere near the $25 mil being offered for bin Laden — and still they can’t find a 6-foot-6 Saudi who walks with a cane — but the good news is that Hollywood actors are dwarfish. That makes them easier to wrestle to the ground. For instance, I don’t want Stephen Baldwin leaving the GOP convention without his signature on one of our contracts because we can get him better than Celebrity Mole 1 and 2. Though I gotta admit, I couldn’t remember which Baldwin he was: the pot-bellied one, the sleepy-eyed one, the drugged-out one, the dumb-and-dumber one. My assistant reminded me that he’s all four!

I’m pleased to announce I’ve got the ball rolling already. We’ve just signed Ron Silver for representation in all areas. His speech at the Republican convention on Monday was pure genius. Of course, I didn’t hear it, but I got the coverage. My reader boiled it down to this quote: “I find it ironic that many human rights advocates and outspoken members of my own entertainment community are often on the frontlines to protest repression, for which I applaud them, but they are usually the first ones to oppose any use of force to take care of these horrors that they catalog repeatedly.” I’m not sure what this means, but I think it’s Hollywood-speak for, How come the only part I could get recently was as a pornographer in a Fox series that Rupert’s boobs cancelled after three episodes? We’ve got to do better by Ron. If Mel Gibson makes that movie about the Maccabees, I see Ron as King of the Jews.

I also saw Bo Derek before the Republican convention. I hear she’s worried about an interview she gave to Alan Murray on CNBC’s Capital Report supporting marriage only for a man and a woman. Let’s immediately start to find Bo a new hair and makeup artist, preferably someone from Salt Lake City, or someone Amish. Ask the tools at UPN.

Angie Harmon was also hanging around. Does anybody know what’s she been up to since Law and Order? See, that’s what I’m talking about. We could have put her up for The Hours. Nicole isn’t the only pretty face who can wear a fake nose and win an Oscar.

My spies tell me that Lara Flynn Boyle is the new Gwyneth of the GOP and, unfortunately for us, just as poisonous at the box office. And congrats to the TV talent department for getting still another Republican actress, Shannen Doherty, back to earning commissions for us. She’s going to be a wonderful addition to the Las Vegas cast. Or is it Hawaii? Not that one either? It’s North Shore? Is that even a show? Oh, it’s on Fox, no wonder. Let’s see if we can get Republican Rick Schroder some quick cameo work as his character’s evil twin on NYPD Blue. Bochco would love to kill him all over again.

It’s our belief that our new “right is right” attitude will prove effective in luring other clients who’ve previously been in the closet about their conservative politics. Did any of you read that recent article in Details magazine about the Republican Party’s “bubblegum star power” in Hollywood? No one? Of course, we must look upon the piece with skepticism since legal tells us that the author, Ruth Shalit, was busted for cribbing when she wrote for The New Republic. How perfect that she’s writing about the biz now.

According to the article, the GOP is claiming Freddie Prinze Jr., Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey and Mandy Moore. No high-fiving just yet. Because Mandy’s publicist went postal and told Shalit, “Mandy is not, nor has she ever been, a Republican.” The wording of that statement sounds really familiar, like dialogue from that old Sydney Pollack/Bob Redford flick, The Way We Were. I smell remake, with Mandy as Babs, fighting the 9/11 Commission which wants to blame W. for everything, and Adam Sandler as Redford. You haven’t heard that the article claims Sandler and his entire production company are rednecks, I mean, Republicans? Who better to support a born-again Christian president than an actor who got famous for singing “The Chanukah Song”?

Not that this new strategy is not going to have setbacks. We told the Bushies to ask Britney Spears to the convention after she said this to CNN’s Tucker Carlson about the war in Iraq: “Honestly I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.” But the damn religious right — I meant to say our friends from Bible study class, which from now on will be mandatory — didn’t want no slutty-dressing, Madonna-kissing whore parading around with them. Too bad, I wanted to go after the Bush twins next.

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