Come on in. My names Chet. Im from Raleigh. Im a delegate. Ive saved up all year for this. Youre my first escort. May I take your wrap? Would you care for a mint? Or a Pabst Blue Ribbon? Ive been drinking all day because were electing a president. Have you ever been to a convention? Really? Wow. This is my first convention. Youre my first escort. How about that beer?
You look a lot different in real life from the way you look in the ad.
No, not worse; just different. Like a completely different person. I hate it when the ink rubs off. Dont worry, I washed real good.
Have you always lived in Philadelphia? This is my first time. I guess you probably hear a lot of cheesesteak jokes, in your line of work. Huh-huh-huh-huh. (Huh.)
Me? In real life Im in middle management. But this week Im a delegate. Today I stood not 80 feet from the Texan; not 30 from the other, the one who has come all the way from Wyoming. Two cowboys.
I saw their lips move. I heard their actual voices. They spoke of a better world. A world where things are good and decent. Not like now, the way it is with the bad men ruining things like honor and dignity and stuff. Today I stood less than 80 feet from President W. Bush. Technically, he hasnt been elected president yet, but he will be, so Im calling him President now.
Hes our next president because hes a cowboy. Not a real cowboy, but like a movie-business cowboy -- like Bruce Willis or Tom Selleck or Miramax, people like that.
Do you like cowpeople? Have you ever met one? Me neither. But I used to want to be a cowboy. I love cows. Cowpeople are smart people, I always say. Thats why cowboys make the best presidents. They know all about cows.
President W. Bush said a lot today. I downloaded this transcript from CNN. You can also get video there, too, at something like www.cnn.comELECTION2000conventionsrepublicantranscripts.
Sure, I can write it down. Thatll be part of your tip. Huh-huh.
Listen to what the president said today: Together, we will renew Americas purpose. Now, I dont know if youre a political person -- Im not a very political person, really -- but doesnt that sound like the best way to make everything good again? What a cowboy!
Do I know what Americas purpose is? No, not really. But I do know that its a really old purpose. Weve been having the same purpose for a long time. It definitely needs to be renewed.
You dont like Gore, do you? Gore is bad. And mean. Hes a total wuss. And hes a robot. Hes like The Stepford Wuss. I bet hes never touched a cow in his life, even if he really does come from Tennessee.
Speaking of Tennessee, why dont you just relax on the bed there while I rummage through the mini-bar for some Jack Daniels (www.hartford.eduCrimOLPart2Prostitutiontest.htm).
How do cowboys become presidents? Find out at Virtual Texans page of Texas Cowboy Poetry (www.virtualtexan.compoetry), with links to written and spoken poetry by E.M. Quirk, D. Bowser, David Kelley and others. Recommended: Bubba Starts West and The Panhandle Stud, both by Bob E. Lewis (www.virtualtexan.compoetrylewis090798.htm).
Perhaps youve forgotten how much fun we had with the 80s Honky Chateau Cowboys. To refresh your memory, sit down with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and read a copy of the Final Report of the Independent Counsel for IranContra Matters (www.fas.orgirpoffdocswalsh), courtesy of the Federation of American Scientists (www.fas.org). Info on the elder Bush and his notorious Bush Diary are in Chapter 28 (www.fas.orgirpoffdocswalshchap_28.htm).
You may have noticed certain similarities between political conventions and puppet shows. For example, puppets. If youre having trouble deciding between the puppet on the left and the puppet on the right, visit Kristin Nelsons Second Graders Perform Shadow Puppet Shows (www.blakeschool.orgcampusonlineartlower990119shadow) at the Blake School (campuses in Minneapolis and Wayzata), where you can watch or download a superb selection of QuickTime Indonesian-style shadow-puppet movies demonstrating some of the most popular campaigning techniques used by todays emerging experts. Choose from Dragonland (featuring the talents of lobbyists Max, Madeline, Brian, Jane and Stephanie), Spike, the Hungry Dog (Elizabeth, Phil, Samuel and Kacey), The Monkey Who Loved Bananas Too Much (Alex, LaTrey, Suzanne and Lauren) and seven other timeless classics.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.
- Valentine's Weekend DUI Checkpoints Hit Hollywood, Koreatown
Thu., Feb. 18, 7:30pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 2:00pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 6:00pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 7:30pm
- Watch the Porter Ranch Gas Leak Get Shut Down (VIDEO)
- Teen Raver Died From Ecstasy Intoxication, Coroner Says