Sperm Can Make Women Happy. No Really, It's Science

They're both pretty happy.
They're both pretty happy.

Here's one for the "controversial sex studies" files. Apparently women who regularly come into contact with semen are happier than those who don't.

The study appeared in Scientific American, an article about the various and sundry benefits of semen. Among them is the natural antidepressant qualities of semen. Note that the study didn't refer to sperm, but to semen, so it's not your man juice per se that's creating happy, shining women, it's the other chemicals that it travels in. We're guessing that this has something to do with the serotonin that's found in semen. That's right guys, your balls are a natural factory producing the same chemical people pay an arm and a leg to get.

There's another awesome chemical your nuts pump out as well: oxytocin. This is also known as the "love hormone." It's linked to anxiety reduction, orgasms, maternal instincts and social recognition, all things that are known to make women at least crack a bit of a smile.

Three researchers tracked 300 women's responses to your endless supply of happiness. They compared women who used condoms or did not have sex to women who had unprotected sex and received the male sacrament of happiness on the regular. Using a standardized depression inventory, the researchers found that women whose vaginas regularly came into contact with semen were far happier than those whose did not.

It wasn't just that the women were less depressed when they did the study. They also had less severe depression when they felt it at all, and their episodes of depression were less frequent than those of women who were not receiving Dr. Testes Magic Elixir of Life.

The finding come as little surprise to men, who have known for generations that semen is good for what ails women. Is your girl having a particularly tough period? Give her some semen. Is she depressed? Semen. Mourning the loss of a loved one? Only one cure for that: Semen.

Still, the study doesn't address other problems that come along with semen. Things like sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. The same qualities of the vaginal wall that allow it to sop up your seed like a biscuit sopping up gravy are the ones that allow it to take bacteria and viruses more easily. So ladies, if you're looking to cure your depression with semen, make sure that you're doing it with a guy who's been tested and that you're using some other form of birth control.

Further tests will be needed to verify the study. But the big winners? Women who have gone through menopause and are in committed relationships with men who do not have STDs. Congratulations, ladies. Take as much of the wonder drug as you like. You'll find that it puts a little extra spring in your step and gives your skin that rosy glow you've been looking for. And if you don't like the taste? We can help you out.

Men in relationships with women who are perpetually annoyed could not be reached for comment, but one thing is certain: If they can get their ladies into bed, they'll notice that they're a lot happier.


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