Sextiquette: 4 Tips for Effective Text-Message Sex

Talk of sexting and MMSexting -- and a Twitter-based lingerie twitpic contest looming (if you're not following @AfterDarkLA and @NakedCity at this point, do it now so you can see some almost-titties) -- has gotten me horned up.

What do I do when I'm all warmed up with nowhere to go? Well I rub one out (duh) and then write. This is a sext story with a valuable lesson.

Last week I figured I'd check in with a new gentleman in my life. Via text of course.

I was at a business dinner and bored, hence the mind-wandering and wet pussy. We hadn't fucked yet, but it was in the cards, and after the first date it was clear both of our hands had been dealt with an ace.

What transpired following my innocent check-in is a prime example of effective sexting. The kind that catches you off guard with an electric zing that sparks from between your legs and leaves a lasting tingle up your spine.

If it had been 1 p.m. while at the office and actually wanting to know how his day was going, I could have taken offense by his blatant disregard for my genuine inquiry. But it was 9 p.m., I was in Vegas, and we knew we'd bang the minute I got back.

Which brings me to the appropriateness of the sext. There's sex-tiquette that's easy to ignore when you're focused on coming up with something clever in lieu of a blurry boner cellphone pic.

But before you pick up your iPhone (or carrier pigeon if you're hip and retro) keep these tips in mind:

1. Don't offend her: If you've barely been on a first date and kinda sorta remember her last name (but definitely remember her boobs), hold off on the "gotbigluv4u" message. She might be babysitting...or a Catholic...and you'll ruin your chances before you even get to first base. Plus, she might not want to read about how you're going to suck on her earlobes before gently caressing her inner thigh...


...uh sorry, what? Basically don't sext her until you get the impression she actually enjoys it. Yeesh, I need to get a towel.

2. Turn her on, not off: She might a sext-type of girl but expect a higher level of eroticism than your typical, "What are you wearing?" remark. Personally, you send that to me at 11:30 p.m. and I want to send you two dead carnations (a bouquet is too expensive) and a thesaurus. My point: Feel her out (giggity) before you make any digital moves. Why risk sending an MTV-level sext when she's actually a Bravo kind of girl? (i.e. Snooki vs. Real Housewives. Hair-pulling vs. Table-tossing. Sex in the backseat vs. Sex in the pool house.)

3. Time it right: If it's the afternoon when most normal humans are trapped at a desk, but your girl teaches special-ed kids how to play the recorder, you might want to save sending "I want to come all over your face" for later. Or if she's spent the previous half hour texting you about her sick cat, don't try inserting (giggity) a spontaneous, "Your pussy. My cock. Astroglide. 6 p.m." into the convo. Because she'll probably be offended and/or hate you for a little while, and that's not conducive to further sexting. She probably won't fuck you later, either.

4. Make sure you actually want to fuck her: Sexting is a fun way to pass the time and sexercise your wits. But keep in mind that the receiving end might actually be hot and bothered and ready to take things from e-foreplay to IRL-fornication the next time you cross paths. And if you're not armed with a boner and condom, you're going to disappoint her. But more important to you, you're going to cause an inevitably awkward and probably uncomfortable situation that you may or may not be able to escape via aural communication. (See what I did there?)

Keep these bits in mind when you're crafting your carnal wits via smartphone (or T9 if you're lame) and see where it leads you. Creativity is key, but follow-through is fucking awesome.

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