Sex with Friends: What It's Good For and What It's Not
Having a predominant sexual attraction to men can be a tricky thing.
While the love life of a bisexual or homosexual clearly brings about a veritable rainbow of
challenges, my particular issue has always been the same dating back to high school: I fall in love with my best friends.
I understand there are lots of heterosexual women who have this dilemma and even some heterosexual men no doubt. But in the gay world, things can get a little more confusing.
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If you're a heterosexual woman, you probably have a group of fellow hetero women with whom you go shopping, get your nails done and get shit-faced at bars. If you're a heterosexual man, you undoubtedly have a group of fellow hetero men with whom you watch sports, repress your feelings and get shit-faced at bars.
Now imagine that you were born with this incredible gift. A true talent! The ability to be
sexually attracted to nearly all of those friends, depending on just how shit-faced you are at that bar.
This dynamic can cause a dramatic blur between the lines of love and friendship. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the less one has experienced true love, the more that line is bound to blur.
How does one differentiate between the love of a partner and the love of a friend if they've only ever fallen in love with their friends?
I should note here that for me personally, I'm not only hapless, but also incredibly oblivious. The realization that this might be a problem - or at the very least an irksome trend - did not dawn on me until I turned 30 last year.
Never once did I question what I felt was surely a coincidence: that my first crushes as a teenager were my BFFs (both male and female), that I knew my first real boyfriend for five years before falling in love with him, and everyone in-between up to my most recent ex were all people with whom I had already shared several years of emotional intimacy as bosom buds.
I could chalk this up to a product of being gay, but I know now that it's not. I have plenty of gay friends who have no problem putting even pals they have sex with in a box labeled "FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE! FRIENDSHIP ONLY!"
If I'm being honest with you (which I can only now be after first becoming honest with myself recently; first comes the self, then LAWeekly AfterDark), the truth is: I have difficulty opening up to people. I don't trust easily. I like to feel in control of every situation, which I must say dinner with strangers does not lend itself to!
And I quite enjoy basking in the illusion of "fail proof" footings, like falling in love with
someone who is already your best friend so you know he'll never hurt you!
The trouble is, nothing in life is fail proof and we never truly know anyone completely. After all, I'm not still with those past "friends-first" partners, am I?
They say recognition is half the battle and while it feels more like probably only a third, I am fully devoted these days to meeting the challenge face-on. I'm 30 years old and have found nearly overnight I have less interest in random hook-ups (oh I've never had problems trusting anyone on Adam4Adam, by the way; it's my heart that is struck with this dilemma, not my penis!) and more fantasies about white picket fence and yes, dare I say, even raising a child, than ever before. I know anything worth having in this world is never easy to get and requires a certain level of discomfort in manifesting.
So for the first time in my life, I am dating.
For a self-professed control freak, these dates are on par with walking into a pitch black room and feeling my way around the walls praying that I will find a light switch before bumping into the sharp edge of a coffee table - or worse, plummeting down a flight of stairs to an untimely death.
While I am clearly still learning to trust and open my heart a little more each day, at least I've learned enough to not ruin any more of my current friendships. That's not to say I don't still have sex or even moments of intoxicating romance with one friend of mine in particular. It's just that these days I am restricting my natural tendency to make my best friend my boyfriend.
But in the moments when I most fear that I won't be able to find my heart and that no one else will try, I have a best friend who can give me just one look and in that moment I am reminded that I am human.
As Bruce Springsteen once wrote, "You can't start a fire without a spark."
I guess that's why they call it friends with benefits. It's supposed to be beneficial to the process of finding your ultimate soul mate, not stunt it.
Jason Sechrest owns and operates the adult web site JasonCurious.com. The first-ever industry blogger, Sechrest continues to pen stories about both the men and women of the porn world daily in his blog "Jason's News Desk" at jasoncurious.com/desk/. His site and blog have won more than a half-dozen awards.
In addition, Sechrest also recently launched a blog devoted to spirituality at
Follow Jason on Twitter at: http://Twitter.com/JasonSechrest
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