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'Real Housewives' Lesson of the Day: How to go 'Oklahoma on Your Ass,' L.A.-Style

On the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion show last week (we watch when we're not reading the Economist or pondering the latest WeeklyLeak), the cast reflected on the meaning of going "Oklahoma on your ass."

The phrase stems from an earlier argument between Taylor Armstrong and Kim Richards in which "Taylor" threatens to (you guessed it), "go all Oklahoma on your ass."

The allusion, of course, is to hardcore rich-lady violence but, as the reunion show pondered, would going, say, Westlake Village on your ass be any different? We investigate:

Going Westlake Village on your ass would involve large luxury SUV's, a reality show about hot teenage girls, and having a daughter who perpetrates crime -- while looking good doing so. (We speak, of course, about "Bling Ring" convict Alexis Neiers and her MILF-and-sister-starring show Pretty Wild).

That, of course, is not as street as ...

Hipsters awash in harmonious colors.
Hipsters awash in harmonious colors.
Erin Broadley

... Going Silver Lake on your ass. This is serious business. What happens here is a group of drunk hipsters dresses you up in ripped pink and lime green Maui & Sons clothing you thought you threw away in the '80s.

The horror. But not as scary as ...

... Going downtown Art Walk on your ass. This is where an dreadlocked, out-of-work artiste/musician hits on your girlfriend while smoking a tobacco pipe full of weed and pointing out the sublime, "societal" reflection of what he thinks is an art installation but which is actually an ordinary street lamp.

Heavy, but not as daunting as ...

Don't go "Santa Monica" on someone unless you mean it.
Don't go "Santa Monica" on someone unless you mean it.

... Going Santa Monica on your ass. When this happens, you better hide your resume. As you're waiting in line at the Kogi truck a group of overpaid tech workers dressed in head-to-toe Uniqlo compares the iPhone 4 to the HTC Evo. They soon find that you've hung yourself.

But this is not as tragic as ...

... Truly going Beverly Hills on your ass. Since most of the "Housewives" don't even seem to live in Beverly Hills proper, they should take notes too. This involves a horrific ritual in which your foe takes you to the Saks Fifth Avenue on Wilshire, has you sit and drink tea as she: tries on several pairs of Christian Leboutins, finds a set with a particularly sharp heel, throws down an Amex card made partly from the actual Magna Carta, and then pounds the heel into your eye. Seriously. You don't want to go there.


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