Positions on Positions #25
Ross says: If you were flipping through a directory of every named sexual position, as a man, you wouldn't get past the A's, because the Armchair evokes everything you could possibly want in a sexual experience. A lethargic romp of worn comfort where no one can blame you for falling asleep. This wonderland, however, could not be further from the case. There is no sit back and relax here. All that's here is a precarious recline and some tricky maneuvering. Now let me be clear: the access point is fantastic, but it's like snagging a prom date with a urinary tract infection. You can't do anything with it. If you're like me, you couldn't construct a reliable thrusting rhythm if you had a metronome on the nightstand. And the Armchair only zeroes in on this by positioning you to fuck your way out of a dentist chair. DDS need only apply.
Tatiana says: For once, I agree with Rusty Ross. You don't mind if I call you that in public, right? Great. It looks like a harrowing experience for a couple, particularly one that doesn't know each other very well. I can only imagine what would happen if this was a first time experience with someone, and he wanted it to be a night to remember, and you hadn't stretched your very tight hamstrings. While we're talking muscles, if you're debating between going to the gym and having sex, this is a nice compromise. You're stretching, you're working triceps, probably some thigh action in this one...and definitely some ab work!
Now let's talk about the rhythm. The horror! The horror! Getting the rhythm to match in this position is going to be nearly impossible. If it's an early encounter, you may as well cancel the relationship right then and there. The only way I see this working is for one person to stay completely still, hold his or her breath, and wait. I look forward to reporting back after I attempt this.
UCLA Bruins Football vs. Arizona Wildcats
TicketsSat., Oct. 1, 7:30pm
UCLA Bruins Men's Soccer vs. Oregon State Beavers Men's Soccer
TicketsSun., Oct. 2, 3:00pm
Anaheim Ducks v. Los Angeles Kings
TicketsSun., Oct. 2, 5:00pm
NBA Preseason Basketball: Los Angeles Lakers v Sacramento Kings
TicketsTue., Oct. 4, 7:00pm
In conclusion: Don't try this in the first few months of a relationship. Oh, and always stretch your hamstrings. Just in case he springs it on you.
Ross: Rusty Ross. Cute.
Tatiana: Thank you. I pride myself on calling it like I see it.
Ross: Especially funny considering that between the last two reviews, you've listed more physical ailments than Montel Williams.
Tatiana: People have tight hamstrings. It's not a physical ailment.
Ross: Like old people. Have you tried walking around?
Tatiana: Look, I have very long legs. The longer the legs, the harder it is to keep hamstrings loose. It's a fact.
Ross: That's probably why basketball players drop after one or two minutes on the court, eh? It's just a matter of time before the hamstrings cut ‘em down.
Tatiana: If they had to sit in this position, it would be a much shorter game. Speaking of which, do you still have that metronome next to your bed?
Ross: It's a coordination dysfunction, and it'd be nice if you respected that. It's hard to keep a constant rhythm for an extended period of time.
Tatiana: There, there. Don't pout. It's VERY hard to keep good rhythm in missionary. Everyone knows that. And by the way, dentist chairs are very comfortable.
Ross: I actually agree with you there. But ever try to get out of one? Or, rather, begin to get out of one repeatedly for thirty minutes?
Tatiana: I meant comfortable for having sex in. Just be careful not to kick the drill and turn it on by mistake. JFYI.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.