To Michael Lallana, or you who will forever be remembered as The Guy Who Jizzed in His Co-Worker's Water Bottle: You're sick. But you're also pretty brave. And if you had to jizz in someone's water bottle, you picked a pretty fine candidate (pictured, right).
This is KTLA's biggest story since some cat got stuck in a tree out in Beverly Hills, and it's really no wonder. How does one keep oneself from taking interest in Lallana's tragic tale, in which the 32-year-old lusted so feverishly after his 29-year-old female co-worker, at the same time feeling so estranged and distant, that he resorted to using her water bottle as a receptacle for his semen?
All because -- get this -- her "lips had touched it." And things only get more fascinating from there:
Michael Kevin Lallana "felt that was as close as he could get" to the 29-year-old executive assistant, said Deputy District Attorney Brock Zimmon.
"He did it for the purpose of sexual gratification."
The 32-year old from Fullerton admitted that he ejaculated into an "attractive" co-worker's water bottle because "her lips had touched it," but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.
He was charged with six misdemeanor counts of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault, with sentencing allegations for committing a crime for sexual gratification.
Lallana's attorney, Eduardo Madrid, who as a child probably never dreamed he'd be defending pervs who violate water bottles when he grew up (and with a straight face, no less), is calling BS on the "assault and battery" bits, mostly because "there was no application of force."
Proving that Madrid hasn't taken the feelings of one very much assaulted and very much battered water bottle into consideration.
OK -- there were actually two incidents. The first occurred on January 14, 2010, in the offices of Northwestern Mutual, a mortgage company in Newport Beach (nothing like some naughty foreclosures to get the juices flowin'!), when Lallana "entered the victim's office and deposited his semen into a water bottle that was on his co-worker's desk."
Then, the unthinkable happened: The victim consumed the contents of her water bottle. Feeling sick to the stomach for reasons very clear in hindsight, she threw the thing away and moved on with her life.
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Three months later, the victim and six other employees, including the defendant, were transferred to the Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Company's Orange branch. That's where a second incident occurred, according to officials.
On April 9, 2010, Lallana is accused of assaulting the same victim by depositing his ejaculation into another water bottle that the victim left on her desk. The victim took a sip from the bottle, then felt sick. She decided to send the specimen to a private lab to be tested.
The lab contacted her and told her the water bottle contained semen, police said.
The victim then notified the Orange Police Department .
DNA tests confirmed the semen belonged to Lallana.
And that, dear readers, is the soon-to-be legend of The Guy Who Jizzed in His Co-Worker's Water Bottle. Take from it what you will. And please, Lallana, next time -- just use your words.