Now, I Tell You What
Now, if it were me, Id go with the blue. But heres what I can do. I can go talk to my manager, explain the situation. Ill tell him how youre still interested in the gray at the price we agreed on this morning, but now youve thought about it some more and youre thinking about going with the blue. And then well see what kind of mood hes in, how low hes willing to go.
Now, the sticker on the blue is about 15 more than the gray, but that doesnt mean anything. Thats just the sticker.
Now, before you decide, Ill tell you what. Most people who go with the gray will come back a year later and say, You know what? I wish Id have gone with the blue one, like you said. The blue one with the puffy white clouds and a light breeze and no mosquitoes. Just like you said.
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Now, dont get me wrong. The gray carries the same warranty as the blue. But if you do decide to spend a little more, you might be happier in the long run. Sunsets, for example -- and you know how the ladies like their sunsets -- come standard on the blue. And then palm trees. I dont know if I mentioned, but the trees in the gray package are mostly what we call dee-SID-you-us trees, which is a fancy way of saying that, come wintertime, theyll divest their leaves. Of course, when you shift back into springtime, theyll look just as green as the ones you saw in the showroom.
Now, that said, I gotta tell you, if it were me -- honestly? -- Id go with the blue. But I cant decide for you. You have to do what feels right for you. Its a win-win situation.
Now, you just relax and finish your coffee while I go talk to my manager, and then Ill come back and well see where we are.
Now, I just spoke with my fleet manager about your offer, and heres what he came up with. We can get you into the deluxe relationship, with pathologically conciliatory discussions and fawning oral sex 12 to 16 times a week. Thatll continue for three months or 192 orgasms, whichever comes first. Then well decrease the sex to no more than 6 times a week, at which time you and your mate will begin to retract your first three months statements of Undying Love, which retraction will take one year. At the end of the year, youll file Hatred Claims with each others friends and families, and then either return the relationship in its original condition and get a 20 percent discount on a new one, or continue the relationship at the same rate but with sex no more than monthly. How does that sound?
Now, before you decide, since you have good credit, I can probably get you a discount if you agree to post sexually explicit photographs of yourself on our Web site. Why dont you just relax and finish your coffee while I go talk to my manager, and then Ill come back and well see where we are.
Now, down here at the bottom: If youre planning on going with the basic sperm-egg union, with one child per litter, theres not much financial assistance available. But if youre willing to invest in some fertility chemicals and pound out a litter of, say, five or more lil miracles -- and here in the States, infants and children are miracles, adults are not -- we can book you on Jerry and Roseanne and Maury and Oprah and Montel and Leeza and Fox 11 News, which should cover your expenses for the first five years, after which, if youre running low on margarita money, for instance, you could sell or donate one or two of them -- we have a list of sweatshops in my managers office -- and still keep three or four for yourself. Why dont you go ahead and have some more coffee and think about that while I go talk to my manager. And then Ill come back and well see where we are.
Now, in 1968, cinema-verite pioneers Albert and David Maysles and Charlotte Zwerin accompanied hard-charging Bible salesmen James The Rabbit Baker, Paul The Badger Brennan, Charles The Gipper McDewitt and Raymond The Bull Martos as they invaded homes in Boston, Chicago and Miami. The result was Salesman, 90 minutes of sheer horror that should clear up any questions you might have about the religion of Sales. To prepare for Salesmans next appearance on cable or at your local revival house, go to the Millionaire Makers tribute to sales-verite pioneer Og Mandino (www.bsuccessful.comog.htm) for some antidigestional excerpts from the late Ogs humbly titled The Greatest Secret in the World.
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