Actual comments from the NHL broadcasting booth, proving, once again, that hockey is the most macho of sports
"Cheechoo had both hands on his stick and was just jamming."
"Mike Ricci was surprised and couldnt get his stick on the ice."
"When he gets that puck on his stick, hes thinking of putting it just one place."
"The shaft of Kiprusoffs stick was wedged between his legs."
"Jason Marshall got his stick in before he fell down and
"Domi poked Marcus Ragnarrson with his stick."
"Primeau went into the middle of the ice with his stick down."
"Loose puck picked up as it went off Stillmans stick."
"Mike Rathje caught him with his stick as he was going by him."
"Willie Niemenen with some tremendous stick work!"
"What can I say? Im Curious George . . ."
Judd Nelson, after I discovered that hed dumped out my purse while Id gone to retrieve fresh batteries and was examining the contents
"No, I havent read the article yet. But friends of mine have."
Julie Kavner, at the end of two screechy, expletive-laced telephone calls from her complaining about a flattering magazine profile Id written about her
An extended middle finger.
Shannen Doherty, informing me how she will signal to me that I can talk to her . . . after keeping me waiting two days for an interview on the set of Satans School for Girls in Montreal, Canada
"Ah nevah discuss such unpleasantness!"
a hissing Dixie Carter, when asked to elaborate on her repeated references to "the unpleasantness" surrounding her Designing Women co-star Delta Burke
"Ah ink Ort Uts and Anya On Orty Econ Eet ave e ar istic edibility."
Julianne Moore, answering a question while flossing her teeth
"It never OCCURRED TO ME FOR A SECOND. I mean, how TRIVIAL, how FACILE. That one is only for the most facile mind. What would a drag queen tell me about GARLAND? Hows that going to help me as an ACTRESS? No. No. The answer is NO."
an irritated Judy Davis, when asked if shed watched Garland -impersonators as part of her research for the TV movie Life With Judy Garland: Me And My Shadows
"I have to go now. I have a really bad case of the flu."
Scarlett Johanssen, after speaking to me for 15 minutes while inexplicably holding my hands in her hands
"Thats a real smart-alecky magazine you work for . . . Thats a -stupid question."
Lyle Lovett, when he wasnt furiously scowling or not answering questions altogether
"Yes, that is a rifle."
By Kerry Madden
1. When you arrive and the first thing you see is a beaming portrait of Laura and W on their fridge next to a schedule of Masses at the Mission, look away, smile brightly and remember the deep breathing you learned in yoga. When no one is looking, cover with the kids new school pictures.
2. When your mother tells you the thing she really admires and finds so clever about Bill OReilly is that you cant tell what he is a Democrat, a Republican, a Liberal keep the chopping knife steady, focus on the onions and garlic or the gentle rolling of pie dough. Do not make eye contact.
3. When your father screams, "Just because Osama bin Laden rides a camel doesnt mean I have to . . . ," jot down notes for new play Republican Father.
4. When you notice parents library consists of Who Moved My Cheese?; How To Talk to a Liberal; Deliver Us From Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism; and every one of OReillys books, do not engage in a lively discussion of literature. Go to box wine; drink liberally.
5. When your father says, "All Muslims hate us" and "Strike them before they strike us" or "Its the insurgents killing the Iraqi people, not the American soldiers!" or "You swinging Liberals, its all the same with you! You live in a vacuum!," remember when he didnt used to be this way, when all he cared about was being a football coach and kicking Notre Dames Irish ass. Smile brightly (again) and top yourself up at the wine box.Next Page
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.