Michael Lallana Gets Six Months Behind Bars for Jizzing in Hot Co-Worker's Water Bottle, Claims He Was Thinking About His Wife
Jizzer, left; jizzee, right.
Update: "What I experienced was not rape, but I feel that it was a form of rape," says Tiffany G. (FYI: She drank from the water bottle.)
Lindsay's not the only one in court this morning. He's back: The Guy Who Jizzed in His Co-Worker's Water Bottle!
We were somewhat sympathetic to the sexually frustrated exploits of Michael Kevin Lallana when he was first accused of "assault and battery" for jizzing in his co-worker's water bottle. The victim -- identified only as Tiffany G. and represented by Gloria Allred, top L.A. attorney for all things sexy -- was, after all, a total fox.
Lallana's final sentence, announced this morning, may seem harsh: 180 days in jail (much heckling to ensue, we're sure) and three years probation. Along with, of course, a lifetime reputation as The Guy Who Jizzed in His Co-Worker's Water Bottle.
The one thing Lallana did have going for him, amid the pervy madness, was that he was always pretty straight-up about everything. He explained during trial proceedings that he assaulted the drinking receptacle "for the purpose of sexual gratification... because [Tifanny's] lips had touched it" and that he "felt that was as close as he could get" to his mortgage company's hot 29-year-old executive assistant.
But new police interviews detailed by City News Service show he's just as shady/dodgy as the next O.C. sex offender:
"I saw her water bottle and I did it,'' Lallana says on a tape of the police interview. "For me, it's a release. I think about my wife.''
He continued: "It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone." Now, we don't know Mrs. Lallana, but we're thinking she might attest that many loads of tampering/hurting definitely went down.
By the way, men of the world: We know the "I was thinking about you, baby" line is bullshit. The Orange County District Attorney isn't buying it, and neither are we. Unless you're jizzing in our water bottle, it's pretty obvious you were thinking about the hot blonde in the corner cubicle. But nice try.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.