Luxury SUV Comes to Complete Stop
Guided by a Magellan 750 NAV state-of-the-art GPS navigation system, a three-ton Lincoln Navigator owned and operated by associate sales director Craig Duncan-Taylor was observed coming to a complete stop at the intersection of Selma and Las Palmas avenues.
Witnesses claim to have seen the vehicle reach speeds of approximately 55 mph as it traveled southbound on Las Palmas after having narrowly escaped a collision with another SUV in the Starbucks parking lot at Franklin and Highland avenues. According to kids in the park, Duncan-Taylor rolled through the stop sign at Franklin Place and accelerated briskly to make the yellow light at Hollywood Boulevard before applying the luxury vehicles sophisticated anti-lock brakes and slowing down smoothly to a complete stop at Selma, no more than 20 yards from the entrance to a Baptist church.
As I continued south on Las Palmas, I was comfortably sipping my coffee, says Duncan-Taylor, speaking to the Weekly via cellular phone from the southbound 101. I was on the phone with my friend Jim, who was driving his Ford Explorer in Orange County. Jim and I were talking about investments, sports, women wed like to have sex with, how great itll be to have a cowboy back in the White House, and how many consecutive weekdays wed worn white shirts and ties when, all of a sudden, a red, eight-sided sign with a four-letter word on it in big white letters appeared. Instantly, I thought of my driver-education class in high school, in 1987. My teacher, Mr. Perkins, told me that when Im driving and I see a red, eight-sided sign with a four-letter word on it in big white letters, I should move my right foot from the pedal on the right, the accelerator, to the pedal just to the left of it, the brake, and then apply pressure until the car stops moving. So thats just what I did. And it worked like a charm.
Stop signs such as the one encountered by Duncan-Taylor are traffic signs that order traffic to come to a stop. Developed by a federally funded research team in the late 70s, the signs were praised by President Jimmy Carter as a means to save lives while reducing Americas dependence on foreign oil. Between 1977 and 1980, over 230 million stop signs were erected on federal and municipal street corners. Then, in 1980, Americans elected deregulationist thespian Ronald Reagan as their president. One of the first things President Reagan did after firing union air-traffic controllers for striking was to hire masked bandits to uproot stop signs in inner-city areas. It was the Reagan administrations contention that since the Constitution did not specifically provide for stop signs, American citizens should have the right to keep going, to decide for themselves what was or wasnt worth stopping for.
Reagans freedom fighters uprooted thousands of stop signs before being challenged by congressional communists, professional atheists and the liberal Jew-Run Media, claims R. Dwayne Thompson, executive director of Jew-Run Media. And thats when the whole thing came to a stop.
The whole, entire thing came to a stop, says Renee Tique, a self-proclaimed Selma Avenue crack ho whod been fellating a client on the steps of the Baptist church when Duncan-Taylors vehicle approached. I looked out of the corner of my eye, and there was like this big, humongous SUV coming real, real fast down the street, with, like, the driver all laughing and drinking coffee, talking on the phone. And then, like, as it got closer to the corner, where the stop sign is, it just, you know, slowed down. And then it kept on slowing until the whole thing just, like, completely stopped.
After completing the maneuver, Duncan-Taylor allowed three pedestrians to cross in front of the vehicle before he looked both ways and, when it was safe, proceeded across the intersection and continued the rest of the way down Las Palmas to Sunset Boulevard, where he almost stopped at another stop sign but decided not to when he saw the coast was clear.
I think its a good idea to stop, says Duncan-Taylor, at least every now and then, when you notice the signs. Today, for example. If I hadnt stopped at the sign I stopped at, I would have hit those people, and then I wouldve had to spend the afternoon filling out insurance reports and washing the blood off the bumper and, you know, feeling bad.
Instead, I made a few phone calls, had a few drinks with clients and made a lot of money. Just doin the hokey-pokey -- thats what its all about.
U U U
Its been over a year since weve checked in with MegaCar.com, one of the Internets most studly nongayporno sites. And what a visit well have, for theres still nothing more satisfying than, having waited for the sizable Shockwave file to load and then selected the English or German version, passing ones mouse over the technomacho MegaCar logo to hear the resulting triumphant MEGACARRR! in MegaCar.coms traditional Robo-Heston® voice -- an artificially dashing and daring, profoundly pompous and ridiculously narcissistic prowl of a voice. (Recommended: the music off option at the bottom of the animation screen.) MEGACARRR! is, incidentally, a modified Mercedes-Benz sedan filled with all kinds of lemming-executive gear -- a Geek Utility Vehicle for wealthy folk who arent too afraid to look automobile drivers in the eye.
From Lemming Manufacturing Group in Tennessee comes the hearse of the future, the new Lincoln Mortifier (http:poseur.4x4.orgsuvdeath.html). Taking your existing Lincoln Navigator and $38,000, LMG will create your choice of rugged vehicles for transporting your dead loved ones to off-road cemeteries. Choose from seven huge, ass-kicking editions: Charles Manson, Marilyn Manson, Aunt Edna (with luggage rack), Gangsta, the Godfather, Ghostbusters or the standard Obituary Edition. LMG is also accepting online orders for its $200,000 Kenworth Pilgrimage (http:poseur.4x4.orgfuturesuv.html) -- an SUV built onto a Kenworth semitrailer chassis. Choose from Intimidator, Grand Dominator, Fornicator GTX and nine other models. Options include ski rack, boat rack, gun rack, heliport, amphibian kit, oubliette and ornithopter attachment.
Inspirational factoids from the Sierra Club, as quoted by and at changingtheclimate.com: Switching from an average new car to a 13-mpg SUV for a year would waste more energy than leaving a refrigerator door open for six years, a bathroom light burning for 30 years, or a color TV turned on for 28 years; An average SUV or a pickup is more than twice as likely as a car to kill the driver of the other vehicle in a collision, and an SUV is four times as likely to roll over in an accident; SUVs put out 43 percent more global-warming pollutants . . . and 47 percent more air pollution than the average car. Provoked by such statistics, the kindly activists behind changingtheclimate.com invite you to join their eco-activist bumper-sticker tagging campaign. Get the adrenaline rush of stalking big game by learning the polite way to tag zany, easy-to-remove bumper stickers onto bumpers not of your own ownership.
Additional research by Chlamydia Pines.
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