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Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track

Gosh, Lohan, you're so inept at life you can't even take your luck at not having to do serious time for two DUIs and a jewelry theft and just lay low and run with it. (As friend Lalo Alcaraz said via Facebook, "If Lindsay Lohan was brown she'd already be doing 4 years in Chino.").

No. In one day you were charged with obstructing a cop, lying to a peace officer and reckless driving in Santa Monica while you were also arrested in New York for allegedly assaulting a woman at a club. That's some serious bicoastal multitasking.

Here's how you can fly straight from now on. This doesn't even involve going cold turkey on the partying, either. Listen up:

Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track
Ted Soqui for LA Weekly

5. Get a bodyguard. A celebrity with a bodyguard? What a novelty. But seriously, this would be a very special bodyguard, as this beefcake would be employed not to protect you from fans, stalkers and other mean girls but to protect you from your damn self. Anytime you cock your fist or flare your nostrils longingly at the nearest 4-inch mirror, he'd be there. A wise investment.

Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track
@lindsaylohan

4. Stop changing your hair color. It sounds abstract, but hear us out: Only unstable, crazy girls change their hair color every other week. They say you should dress for the job you want. You should also tint your hair for the woman you want to be. We're thinking natural. Streaks mean trouble.

Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track
Zack Sheppard / Flickr

3. Move someplace uneventful. Some places -- Los Angeles, New York -- just beg for trouble. It's where the action is. If you don't want be at the center of the next hit-and-run allegation, assault case or drug overdose, do us a favor and move to Reno. Run through a yellow light in Culver City and we guarantee it will make headlines. Celebrities almost never get caught doing bad stuff in Reno, even when they are.

Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track
@lindsaylohan

2. Pace yourself. Listen girl, you've been partying for years. By now you should know there are professional nights (Monday, say) and amateur nights (Saturday, New Year's Eve, the 4th of July). Pick your targets, go for them, and allow yourself some recovery time (a.k.a work). Let the fog clear. You'll be a much better actress, too. Save up some desire for the partay by not having your whole life be a partay. Here's an idea: When you're celebrating, have something to actually celebrate. When you do party, remember the one-drink (and or drug)-an-hour rule. Eat afterward. Recover. Work. Repeat. Right?

Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track
The Lincoln Lawyer

1. Hire a driver! This one is so obvious we feel stupid even putting it out there. But it must be said. You have money, right? More money than most of the smart people who take taxis or even hire town cars to drink with a hooker at the Four Seasons, we imagine. Get yourself a goddamned, motherfucking driver now. This will eliminate half your worries, at least. For one, you suck at driving, and that's when you're sober. We lost count of how many accidents/hit-and-run claims/DUIs you have under your belt. You're a worse driver than any Korean, old Jewish lady, Persian yuppie or Mexican gardener in a 1978 Toyota pickup we've ever seen. And that's saying a lot. We know that, especially when you're in L.A., a car is an accessory. And boy, you accessorize right (Porsche is an especially wise choice in vehicles). Impressive. But take a tip from The Lincoln Lawyer and invest in a Town Car. You know what cops do to drunk and/or drugged-up white girls passed out in the back of a Town Car at 2 a.m? Absolutely nothing.

[@dennisjromero / djromero@laweekly.com / @LAWeeklyNews]