Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
THE MOST LIFE-THREATENING PREFIX TO employment is un. And the most life-threatening document to the unemployed is the unemployed's own résumé. When one is out of meaningful or at least gainful work, a glance at one's own résumé can provide a refreshing perspective on suicide, such as Mrs. Parker has provided above. Maybe it's time to update your résumé. Retrofit yourself with some handy promotions; search and replace "assistant" with "associate" -- it sounds much more authoritative, and no one really cares. Or if you're too agnostic to lie, at least consider changing typefaces. The Tekton/Lithos era ended in '94.
Then again, maybe you should leave the thing as you found it: Once you start changing, you realize that now you're not only (utterly permanently hopelessly) unemployable, you're spending your free time working on your fucking résumé.
Over the last few days, I've seen enough online résumés to wallpaper every monitor from here to Kankakee. Retired guy needs more income. Otherwise peaking executive canned out of the blue. Studying at night seeks third full-time day job to buy cheese for crackers. Fetus hoping to wedge an unformed foot in the door. They're all out there, many of them horrifying in the uniformity of their approach to high-end ass-kissing.
As we go to press, between 90,000 and 220,000 people in Los Angeles will gladly appear at your doorstep within the hour to redesign your résumé for a most reasonable fee, about a hundred bucks more than you can afford, because you don't have a job, which is why you need the résumé reworked. See? Just like HMOs.
There are far more résumé-posting sites on the Internet than there have been jobs on the planet since the beginning of time. Here are a few random ones for your possible consumption or convenience: www.angelfire.com/ks/freeresume/; www.tiac.net/users/jobs/; www.searchease.com/.
Emily's Way Cool Résumé (http://yaoi.anime-manga.net/Emily/resume.html), the most recent work of résumé artist Emily Snodgrass, recipient of a 1992 diploma from James Bowie High School in Austin, Texas, is an aromatic mix of heartland employment adventures, including: Mixx Entertainment Inc., Bank of America Interactive Banking Operations, BankAmerica Mortgage Pricing Administration, Mr. Gatti's Pizza #142, The Texas Department of Health, Round Rock Movies 8, Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, United Video #2 and #6, Lakehills Cinema 4, and Laserform.
The jobs merge to form a résumé captivating in its banality yet Way Cool in its title.
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Do co-workers tell you that you look like Rosie O'Donnell, Bob Eubanks or supermodel Brian Nahas? What better way to use this special talent than as a celebrity look-alike? At Garth Brooks and Other Celebrity Lookalikes! (http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/GarthBrooks/index.html), you'll find the résumés of similarly fortunate folks who make their livings impersonating Kenny Rogers, Susan Sarandon, Pope Paul II, Prince, Fred Goldman, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Robin Williams -- everyone but Lois Nettleton and Bradford Dillman. (Member, Professional Impersonators Web Ring.)
Happy birthday to Mrs. Dorothy Parker of West 72nd Street, who turns 106 next Tuesday. Of all the résumés it has been my honor to read (see opening poem), hers is my favorite. Dot City: Dorothy Parker's New York (www.bway.net/~kfitz/parker.htm), a presentation of the Dorothy Parker Society of New York (Kevin Fitzpatrick, president; Jill Goldstein, vice president) is a well-conceived, highly navigable site of considerable Dottie-worship. Outstanding among the pages of haunts and homes and Dothead news is a wonderful audio archive (www.bway.net/~kfitz/dotaudio.htm) featuring 30 RealAudio clips of Mrs. Parker reading her stuff, mostly from the mid- and late '20s, mostly excerpted from An Informal Hour With Dorothy Parker (on Verve). Parker fans who'll be in New York on Saturday, August 28, might want to check out the inaugural Parkerfest (www.bway.net/~kfitz/parkerfest.htm): walking tour at 3 p.m., followed by cocktails at the Algonquin, dinner TBA, Laughter and Hope and a Sock in the Eye (off-off-Broadway) at 8, a speakeasy tour at 10 and then maybe something Sunday afternoon, as well. (President Fitzpatrick's working on it.)