Is Your Penis Size Normal? Probably. Put the Pill Down.
A little bird over at the Village Voice tweeted some light on a topic often put on the back burner while we ladies stress out about feeling fat, wanting boob jobs, and being too single.
Penises. Just like women, they come in all shapes and sizes - some with a little extra skin and others with giant balls to match. And though some might say (and believe) size doesn't count, millions of men around the country are so concerned with their supposed intimate inadequacies that they're going to potentially unhealthy lengths (pun unabashedly intended) to fix the non-problem.
The Mayo Clinic recently released a warning to those considering popping supplements, pumping their parts, or even thinking about surgery in order to thicken and lengthen their rods.
But hey guys: Your size obsession might all be in your head.
Ever heard your girlfriend/sister/roommate call herself a fatass as she touches the bony bits sticking out of her collarbone? Ever wondered why women with perfectly perky B-cups go under the knife and come out with what appear to be (and feel like) bowling balls in their chests?
When they look in the mirror they don't see what you see. And though this kind of body dysmorphia is often associated with the female species there's a good chance the same misperception is influencing the way men look at their cocks.
The Mayo Clinic writes:
The fear that your penis looks too small or is too small to satisfy your partner during sex is a common fear. But a number of studies have shown that most men who think their penis is too small actually have normal-sized penises.
It's highly unlikely your penis is outside of the normal range.
OK fine. So what is a "normal" size?
The average penis measures between 3 and 4 inches when it's dangling flaccid between your legs. When it's hard and at full attention the typical penis measures between 5 and 7 inches.
If it hits below 3 inches it's considered a micropenis, and yes that's medically considered outside of the "normal" range. But believe me, it's not impossible to enjoy sex and be a good lover with that dick size.
Yes I've seen it happen, and no I won't tell you that story.
So please beware when perusing the male enhancement aisles at your local adult shop, 711 or Target. And keep this in mind late at night watching those intriguing infomercials featuring bubbly blonds with satisfied smiles promoting penis-boosting herbs.
Most of these pills contain yohimbe, an herb that will certainly increase blood flow and give you energy but also can cause side effects that may last well into the next day. Jitters, anxiety and even migraine-like headaches. Not sexy.
Read the ingredients before taking something, and if you want to test one out for the hell of it - no hurt in that - run the ingredient list by a doctor or a Google search to see what each one ACTUALLY does to human beings.
And surely you've seen pumps - both hand-pump and mechanical vacuum-like versions - that claim to slowly increase the size of your schlong when used every day.
While it's tough to prove long-term benefits, pumps can immediately (temporarily) enhance a boner by literally sucking on your dick and drawing a large -- but not necessarily harmful -- amount of blood into the shaft.
But remember. This is done by using a mechanism made to vacuum-lock around your cock and balls and use them to replace the air you displace with each pump motion. If you are overzealous, or possibly not using it properly, you can potentially cause damage to your most precious parts.
Bruising or broken capillaries don't add to the penis' already aesthetically questionable appearance (let's be honest, penises are appealing but strange-looking) - and she probably won't want to suck on something that appears to have been tie-dyed purple and red.
So just like when you tell your skinny sister to stop calling her ass fat, or when you wonder what's wrong with your coworker each time she refers to her cute nose as a "beak," remind yourself that your penis is just fine the way it is.
Cuz if it gets hard and properly insertable into your orifice of choice anytime you wish, that's really all that matters - and what we women want.
Skip the enhancement ploys, show some sexy self confidence, and save your money so you can take her out for a burger after your rail her senseless.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.