Growing up, I convinced my friends – and, in turn, myself – that Donnie Wahlberg of The New Kids on the Block had written a special song for me on the Step By Step album.
Track 6. (Yeah, I had lots of friends.)
You could say I was an uber-fan of the band's “bad boy,” with his acid-washed denim hats and “I ain't even scared of it” attitude.
And yes, I looked for any and every way to feel “close” to my love:
• Posters above my bed
• Buttons and pins on my suspenders
• Rewinding and repeating “Step By Step” until the tape demagnetized and the lovely song disappeared from the cassette
• Having sex with his poster
It seems an uber-fan of a more established – and less bad-ass – boy wonder thought the latter would be a stellar way to take their relationship to the next level.
Some British woman made her way into the hospital last week with a very specific vaginal ailment. It seems she'd lodged a rolled-up poster featuring Donny Osmond's smiling mug in her vag and – duh – couldn't get it out.
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She cited “pain in her private area” and apparently a series of medical tests – including but not limited to shining a flashlight on her cooch and looking – revealed the 70s-era poster erect and raring to go.
Everyone knows there's gotta be some kind of exit strategy accompanying a home-made sex toy experiment, especially when involving something as precious as an Osmond.
Poor girl must've been an amateur. You can't fuck a poster without lube, and lube will simply ruin the pleasurable image. Next time (and we all know there will be one) reserve the poster for viewing pleasure and use something less, oh I dunno…PAPER to stick up your vag.
You'll wish you'd listened to me years later when you're selling that poster on eBay and trying to find a way to explain the stains to the highest bidder.