From Behind Our White Picket Fence #208
The Road A-Head
With so much of our L.A. identity wrapped around transportation – in particular the automobile – it's hardly surprising that sex and car culture meet in all manner of ways.
To this day, in fact, we continue to drive our old, beat up RV (affectionately named “Hoe-NAY”) to parking lots throughout the Southland to grab some risky petting sessions among you shoppers.
We come, you go, so to speak.
Los Angeles Angels vs. Los Angeles Dodgers
TicketsThu., Mar. 30, 7:07pm
Los Angeles Clippers v Los Angeles Lakers - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsSat., Apr. 1, 12:30pm
Los Angeles D-Fenders
TicketsSat., Apr. 1, 6:30pm
Los Angeles Lakers v Memphis Grizzlies - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsSun., Apr. 2, 12:30pm
In fact, if you find yourself in one of many of our favorite spots, you also could catch us engaging in a quickie on the roof of The Grove parking structure, snuggling somewhere along the Palos Verdes peninsula, or in one of the various underground lots sprinkled throughout the Westside.
Rooftops are by far our preferred mating grounds, however, especially those with decent views (the top level parking at the Westside Pavillion is amazing and quite private).
Obviously, positioning has gotten slightly more challenging at we've crossed the mid-point of our 40s, but our creaking bones and added girth only make the accomplishment more satisfying.
“But what about a moving vehicle?” a close friend asked a few days ago.
She wanted to “reward” her boyfriend with “road head” as an incentive for quitting smoking and offered a smack on the ass for each smoke-free day, an ass grab for a whole week, and a vehicular blowjob if he could make it all the way through a month without the cancer sticks.
Her questions, to paraphrase, were, “Is it fun, is it dangerous, and where would a good stretch of road exist where road head could take place without risk to life and limb (that limb, in particular)?”
Well, “Mary,” as we'll now affectionately name you, you have, as the cliché goes, come to the right place. Or road. To answer your questions, yes, road head is fun; yes, it is dangerous (though we'll share ways to minimize the risk), and we've personally “tested” several miles of prime pavement and are happy to give coordinates.
Oh, by the way, your boyfriend should be kissing the ground you trod upon. Just pointing out the obvious.
DISCLAIMER: We do NOT recommend you engage in sexual situations in a moving vehicle. We are trained sexual professionals and all acts described from this point forward are for your entertainment purposes only and NOT to be attempted by anyone other than Freddy and Eddy (or Danica Patrick, but we digress). We are NOT responsible for accidents due to loss of vehicular control under the influence of orgasm!
Now, let's move on to the specifics: For fellatio (blowjobs), Mary, your male receiving road head will need to be able to drive with his seat back far enough to allow space for your head to fit between his abdomen and the steering wheel.
He should be wearing pants or shorts that can be unbuttoned (elastic waistbands are very helpful) and slid far enough down to expose his manhood (from now on referred to as his cock). He should be able to easily slide his pants far enough downward with his left hand while you assist with the right side, allowing him to hold the wheel with his left hand and maintain control of the car.
If he's like most men, you'll be exposing a ready-to-go erection (most males get hard just thinking of getting a blowjob this way) and you can begin the process as you would anyplace else.
If your boyfriend begins to waver as he nears climax, simply pull off to the side of the road and finish him quickly (which shouldn't be a problem at that stage) or if on a freeway find a close exit to “get off.”
Not to gross our readers out, but hopefully you're the swallowing type and everything will be nice and tidy once complete. If not, prepare by placing a towel within easy reach to avoid damage to your car's upholstery.
Help him slide his pants back on and button them for him, then watch that smoking habit disappear forever.
As for stretches of road, we prefer the Pacific Coast Highway between Topanga and Malibu early morning on weekends or after 10 p.m. any evening; Ventura Boulevard during the rush hour commute (getting spotted by high profile vehicles can add a high degree of excitement); the 405 freeway early Sunday mornings; and any section of Interstate 5 from Grapevine onward.
We were driving to San Francisco one weekend and a trucker watched us engaged in “reverse” road head for at least 20 miles.
What is “reverse” road head, exactly? Simply put, it's when a female gets off in a moving vehicle. Due to anatomical differences, we don't perform cunnilingus while the vehicle is moving; however, that doesn't mean one can't utilize a vibrator as the next best thing.
Follow the same procedure for fellatio with regard to removal of garments (better yet, Mary, wear a skirt and no underwear for easy access) and let him manipulate a small clitoral vibe between your legs to produce an orgasm or two.
Another variation is to take turns driving or, better still, give each other a masturbation show from the passenger seat.
Finally, we've also taken the next step and done the full-blown nasty in a moving car. This involves a very complicated manipulation whereby the female partner mounts the male driver as the car moves and “rides” his cock as he drives.
This is highly risky and our experience – though undoubtedly exciting – isn't one we revisit very often. Stick to basic road head, always keep safety in mind as you proceed, and your experience should be one worthy of repeating on every roadway in SoCal.
Got a topic you'd like us to cover? Email us and we'll do our best!
Image: Graur Razvan Ionut.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Los Angeles, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.